Letting Go Skills So You Can Feel Better
There is a common misconception that letting go means pushing away thoughts, feelings, and emotions and wearing a brave face. This fake it until you make it approach only gets you so far. It’s true that sometimes shifting your perspective takes the simplicity of smiling and attempting to be happy. But what about those times when that isn’t enough? If we are to really learn how to cultivate happiness and resilience we have to fill our tool box with letting go skills. These skills help with change. They are indispensable to those of us on a quest to live our best lives. In times of uncertainty these skills and tools will no doubt get a workout.
In order to start building our letting go skills, we must first understand what letting go means and how it helps us to grow. Once we are clear on that we will dive into best practices that you can implement now to begin your practice of letting go. Let’s get started.
What is letting go?
Letting go means to move through the struggle and emotion in order to get calm. It means to release the habit of blaming everyone else for our problems, and resisting the urge to argue and fight with the people around us and ourselves. Accepting reality, even when it doesn’t feel good, is an important part of building letting go skills. When we fight, blame, and struggle with others it creates resistance within us. This leads to inner struggle. If that struggle is too great and we don’t have adequate letting go skills we feel hopeless. Unfortunately, this cycle is on repeat for many people.
What can you do about it? First and foremost, stop judging your feelings. Acknowledge your own emotions, thoughts, and feelings with the same love you would for a friend. Chances are, you are the type of person who comforts a friend that is hurting readily. You likely don’t judge them and have a desire to help. Channel that same love and helpfulness toward yourself. This means noticing how you are feeling without judgement. This is tricky for a lot of people, but the first of many letting go skills we will discuss.
Practicing Self Acceptance
Most of us do not spend much time really understanding who we are and why we respond or react to things the way we do. We often create judgments about ourselves and use outdated habits to manage our feelings. This can look a lot like using numbing tactics just to get through something that feels uncomfortable. As you might suspect, this leads to that cycle of struggle that we touched on in the previous paragraph.
Working with a well-being coach helps you grow in awareness of yourself; who you are, your habits, and your personality so that you can work more specifically on the areas that need growth. This type of growth takes time and practice and will ultimately lead you in the direction of self acceptance and living happier more of the time. If you are interested in working one on one with me in developing letting go skills, click here to get started.
Set Goals
Most of us are familiar with the good feeling that comes when we set a goal and are successful in reaching it. This gives us a sense of accomplishment and sets us up for feeling hopeful. Taking action on a goal successfully requires us to be thoughtful about what we are trying to achieve. To create more hope in your life, try setting a series of small, attainable goals that you can work toward on a daily basis.
To begin, make a list of things you would like to do today. This is a familiar “to do” list. We have all made them and we know the disappointment that comes from not crossing everything off the list. For this list, the goal is to check everything off. So, with intention, make a list of things you know you can and would like to accomplish today. Put at least one thing on the list that is part of another larger goal. In order to choose that one thing we need to do some work on a larger goal or goals.
I suggest making another action list or two for longer term goals. These could be self care related, health related, anything you choose. To make these lists, write down all that you can think of to do in order to take action on, for example, self care. Meditation for 10 minutes, take a 30 minute walk, read a book for 30 minutes, take a bath, stretch for 15 minutes before bed, etc. Anything that falls into self care that you are not already doing should go on this list. Then, pick one of these things and commit fully to doing it.
At the end of the day, notice how you feel. More than likely, you feel accomplished and a little happier. This is hopeful. Keep doing this each day with intention and notice how your sense of hope grows.
Surrender Control
We cannot control everything. We try our best though, don’t we? Here is some hard truth that is worth writing down and posting where you can see it all the time.
The only thing you are in control of is you.
That’s it. The sooner you learn how to surrender to the idea that you cannot control other people or every circumstance or how people react to you or how people see you or the weather or anything else for that matter, the better. You don’t have to like the circumstances or the choices other people make or the weather, but you cannot control it. Your feelings are valid and it’s healthy to acknowledge them and feel them. Then, come back to the truth of what you can control and take action there.
Holding sand
There is so much freedom in this letting go skill of surrender. It frees you up to give thought space to things that you can control. It actually allows you to hold on to more. Here is what I mean by that. Imagine yourself on a sandy beach. Scoop up a big handful of dry, fine sand. Squeeze your hand into a fist. How much sand remains in your hand? Not much. Most of it spills out the sides. Now do it again, but this time leave your hand open like a cup for the sand. You are able to hold more with less effort. This is the art of letting go and being gentle.
You know that by holding on too tight sand will slip through the cracks and your hand will be tired. This same concept applies to our relationships with others as well as with ourselves. When we struggle with someone else because we are trying to get them to change or we feel like blaming them for how we are feeling, we become tense, stressed, and are holding on for dear life. The same is true when we struggle with something about ourselves we wish to change. Here is what you can do instead. Recognize your emotions, surrender the things you cannot control, and work on bringing yourself into a calm state by holding only what you know you can.
In doing this, you create a positive shift for yourself. This has a calming effect on the entire situation and actually gives the other person permission to do the same. This is the most important of all the letting go skills. It requires practice, and it won’t be perfect. Being aware and setting an intention to let go of struggle is the first step. When you find yourself in a challenging situation, remember the sand.
Easy Does It
When we are doing hard things it’s important to be reflective on the wins we experience. Doing this work of letting go is challenging and when we are successful it’s worth acknowledging, even celebrating. So, make sure that you are giving yourself plenty of positive feedback for your hard work. To remember to do this, try the following.
At the end of each day reflect on each aspect of your day; morning, mid-day, and evening. For each aspect of the day, write down at least one thing that you did really well. These can be things that moved you toward a goal, taking a pause instead of reacting, walking away from a struggle, resisting the urge to try and control something you can’t control, etc. Do this practice for several weeks. Doing this daily practice, strengthens the intention to keep going and helps us find the ease in the effort of letting go.
In addition, it is helpful to get into the habit of contributing to a daily gratitude journal. This works on keeping us hopeful. You can read more about how to do this here.
Give Grace and Permission
I will leave you today with one more recommendation. In his book, Permission to Feel, Marc Brackett, Ph.D., talks about the power of emotions and how understanding and growing your emotional intelligence is so important for well-being. Feeding yourself knowledge about how to understand your emotions and even get to the root cause of the emotion is important and another good tool in your letting go skills toolbox.
Reading this book alone does not create lasting change, but it will give you some great nuggets for growth. Most importantly, this book acts as a permission slip to feel all the feelings. Right now, we are all on a rollercoaster of emotional ups and downs collectively. Let us be gentle with ourselves and each other and give grace freely.
<3
Stephanie
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Cooking Up Happiness in Times of Stress
We are living in a time that is, not only uncertain, but volatile. For many, happiness during times of stress seems unattainable. This can bring about feelings of fatigue due to interrupted sleep. Lack of sleep and exhaustion leads to irritability. This leads to self deprecation because perhaps you’ve lashed out at someone you love. Emotional outbursts of anger, fear, and sadness cause us to feel out of control. In an attempt to regain control we sometimes retreat from others, further disconnecting ourselves. Isolation paves the way for depression and anxiety. This happens to varying degrees in all of us and none of it feels good.
The good news is, we can learn to recognize what is going on and cook up happiness for ourselves, even during times of stress. It’s true. As a coach, I work with my clients in discovering what makes them happy. We also do work on understanding what makes them unhappy. In doing this, my clients develop a better relationship with themselves and are able to enjoy the feeling of happiness more often. Fill out the contact form to learn more about coaching and how it can help you unblock your well-being. Today, I am going to give you some tools you can begin practicing on your own to cultivate more of these good feelings.
Spend Time in Nature
Being outdoors gets you out of your head and opens up your senses. Have you ever felt overwhelmed or stressed and suddenly had the urge to go outside and take a deep breath? Just breathing different air can provide relief. Spending time in nature serves as a good reminder that, as humans, we are one part of a much larger whole. This is a relief because we can see it isn’t all about us. Next time you are feeling isolated or overwhelmed, give this a try.
Step outside and either sit comfortably or begin walking. If you choose to walk, keep your pace slow and leisurely. Focus on all that you see, without being narrow in your vision. With a wide gaze, notice the colors, shapes, foliage, flowers, sky, trees, etc. Take deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. What do you smell? Take in the sounds around you. Birds chirping, leaves crunching, water rushing. Appreciate these sounds like you would with beautiful music. What do you taste? Finally, what do you feel? You can touch the grass, or the bark of a tree nearby, or simply feel the breeze on your skin.
In connecting with nature, you are connecting deeper with yourself. It is calming and can be meditative if you are open to it. When we are calm, we are able to see more clearly and make better choices for ourselves and ultimately, find happiness during times of stress.
Eat healthy, nourishing food
This is a tricky one for many people. It is common to soothe sadness, anger, and fear with food that is high in sugar and fat. It tastes really good going in, but for most people the physical discomfort that comes later leads to regret. Why does this happen? The short answer is we are looking to increase pleasure. Eating food like this gives a temporary feeling of fulfillment that wears off leaving us feeling cloudy, bloated, etc. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like that feeling.
I have found that the best way to avoid the downward spiral that indulging in two pieces of cake will certainly bring is to be prepared. This requires a little bit of planning and some time. Make a list of healthy things you enjoy eating. Fruits, veggies, nuts, etc. It’s always a good idea to have these things ready for consumption when the urge to snack strikes. This will help you cultivate healthier eating by giving you ready made options within reach.
But we all know these things will not satisfy our sweet tooth. The last thing I want when I’m feeling bored or sad or frustrated is to crunch on a piece of celery. I want cake, but I know cake generally doesn’t make me feel good. So, to increase the probability of nutritional happiness during times of stress, I make protein bites and keep them in the freezer. They are sweet, loaded with goodness, and it’s hard to eat more than two. I make mine with dates, nut butter, coconut oil, nuts like walnuts or pecans, cinnamon, and mini chocolate chips. I have made enough protein bites that I adapt recipes on the fly and experiment. It’s kind of fun, actually. Eventually I will post some recipes on my site, but until then Minimalist Baker has some good ones you can try.
Work in the Service of Others
I love this one. Doing kind things for someone else feels so good. One of my favorite things to do is to pick a few flowers from my garden, write a little note, and deliver it for no reason in particular to a friends doorstep. Think about how you would feel if someone did that for you. Pretty great, right?
Doing acts of kindness for others is one way to increase loving feelings in your life and increase happiness in times of stress. It takes the focus off of yourself and puts it on someone else. This increases empathy and leaves you with a smile on your face. Even more, it creates feelings of deep satisfaction in the knowledge that your small kindness, more than likely, made a big difference in someone else’s day.
Here’s the catch. Sometimes the kindness we show to others goes unnoticed. It’s ok. That doesn’t take away from your feelings of satisfaction. You never know what is going on in someone else’s life at any given moment. Showing love and appreciation is always a good idea, even if the recipient can’t or doesn’t see what you are doing. So, give love and kindness freely and see what goodness comes for you in the process.
Show Gratitude
Beginning and ending each day with gratitude is a powerful thing. Writing these things down is even better. Taking time to express gratitude each day serves us a dose of happiness and appreciation for what we have. These include relationships we have, people we feel blessed to know, opportunities we enjoy, time we have, activities we love. The list is abundant and goes on forever. Having gratitude promotes abundance, which promotes happiness in times of stress.
Have you heard the saying: What we focus on grows? It’s absolutely true. When you focus on worry, what could go wrong, stress, and the like, that is what you have an abundance of. Contrarily, when you focus on what you appreciate, your blessings, and the goodness in your life, those grow exponentially. Writing it down solidifies these appreciations and when you are lacking, they serve as a reminder of all that you have. Keep a journal at your bedside for your gratitude lists. Having it handy will help you get into the habit of writing each day. Start with 5. Write down 5 things each morning and another 5 each night. Don’t overthink it. Write what comes to mind and gives you good feelings in those moments.
Smile More
Seriously. It’s that simple. Just smile. Smile at your family, smile at your neighbors, smile when you go to the store. Look at the people around you in the eyes and smile at them. Many have let that practice atrophy because we aren’t feeling so good. All the above practices for creating more happiness in times of stress will help you get to smile more, I promise.
Move Your Body with Intention
Living a sedentary lifestyle leads to feelings of malaise, low energy, depression, and even anxiety. These are all common complaints from most people I come into contact with. I know for myself, when I don’t move my body, I don’t feel good physically or mentally. There is a simple explanation for this. Humans were not designed to be sedentary. Our systems functionality depends on good nutrition, quality sleep, being adequately watered, and movement.
I hear people say they don’t like exercise. I understand. We often don’t like what makes us feel uncomfortable. Going to the gym or taking a group fitness class for some people is very anxiety producing. The thing is that exercise doesn’t have to be something you dread. There are so many ways to move your body. Here are a few suggestions that you can do anytime, alone or with others.
Get moving!
There is nothing quite like a spontaneous dance party to promote happiness in times of stress. Put on some music and dance around the house. Sing along, move and shake, smile — maybe even laugh! This gets your heart rate up, releases feel good hormones, and alleviates stress and tension. If you have younger kids, you are modeling so much good for them. You are giving yourself and them permission to feel joy. Invite them to dance along.
Take a walk. There is something really great about putting on some music or your favorite podcast and taking a good power walk. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Every now and then let out a sigh and feel the relief wash over you.
Go hiking. This requires a little more effort in that most people would have to drive to a trail first. More planning and more time, but very enjoyable. See the above on spending time in nature. A hiking trail is a wonderful place to spend a few moments in a mindful state becoming aware of your senses and then taking a nice walk through the woods.
Develop a morning and evening stretching routine. This alleviates tension, lubricates the joints, relieves muscle soreness, and just generally feels really good.
The suggestions I provided here are just scratching the surface. What are some activities you enjoy? How can you incorporate more movement in your daily life?
Get Quality Sleep
Sleep is something we all need and unfortunately, it eludes many. Insomnia is no fun and lack of sleep leads to many other issues, both physical and mental. There are things you can do today to start cultivating better sleep conditions for yourself. For instance, you can become aware of your technology use in the hours before bedtime, notice what you are eating and drinking, and the quality of your sleep environment. Before you decide what needs to change I would suggest collecting some data first.
Do your research
If you are using a gratitude journal and keeping it bedside, you can create a section in this notebook for sleep data. For one week, each night before bed, write down the following. The time you are getting into bed, what time you ate your last meal and what it was, what you drank including alcohol, tea, etc and how much you drank, what activities you did in the evening hours before bed, how you feel physically, and how you feel mentally. Each morning jot down the time you woke and how you felt upon waking. Did you wake in the night? If so, how many times and what time? Were you able to get back to sleep? How many hours did you sleep? Do you feel rested?
Begin to notice patterns and start to make some adjustments. Consider eliminating alcohol, limiting technology use two hours before bedtime, not utilizing television in the bedroom, and making nutritional adjustments if you are experiencing stomach discomfort.
Making changes requires you first to examine what is happening. This involves being honest about our habits and patterns and being willing to let go of those things that aren’t serving us long term, even if they feel good in the moment. Good sleep requires that we do this. So does our overall well-being. Working with me will give you the tools and accountability you need to create this awareness and make healthy changes. If you are ready to explore that more deeply, reach out to me here and we will get started!
Meditate
This will take some practice. And it may feel challenging to you at first, but I encourage you to keep trying. Sitting in stillness does much more for our mental health than most of us realize. We spend so much time going and doing and thinking and worrying and multitasking. In the process of all of that busyness we get lost. We become used to stuffing our feelings down, avoiding vulnerability, and growing further away from tapping into our intuition. In other words, we are living on autopilot. Living in this way is keeping us from living well and living happy. In order to be happy we need to know what really makes us happy. In order to know what makes us happy, we have to listen.
Listening requires being attentive. It also requires putting aside our judgments. This is meditation. It is calming the body, quieting the chatter in our thoughts, and listening to our intuition. Some enjoy guided meditation to get started. You can find apps for that if you like. I have found that to be distracting. So, I suggest trying something more simple.
Simply get started
Sit comfortably in a chair with your feet on the floor. Relax your body without slouching or becoming too rigid. Allow yourself a few moments for adjustment and then ask yourself to begin noticing the urge to adjust and letting it go. Bring your awareness to your breath. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, with your lips slighting parted. Your breath should be easy and effortless. Your mind will be wandering and that is ok. As you breathe, notice the thoughts that are active in your mind and allow them to float on by like clouds. This will give you some relief in knowing that your thoughts are normal and there is no need to fight them or push them down and away. Let them be what they are and avoid attaching to them. When you struggle with this, bring your awareness back to your breath.
Start with a few minutes and then begin adding time each time you attempt to meditate. As little as 3 minutes can make a difference in your mental and physical self. Give yourself time to adjust to this new practice and celebrate each moment you spend trying. Before long you will be able to dive deeper into your practice both in length of time and quality of how you feel during and after you meditate. I will wager that you will rise from your practice of meditation feeling a sense of happiness in times of stress.
Happier You
By choosing to explore a few or all of these options, I have no doubt that you will see an increase in your overall well-being. You deserve to feel and be happy. Finding happiness in times of stress is especially important because it promotes resilience. It provides a sense of hope. Satisfaction comes from within and only when we are happy with ourselves can we really radiate happiness out to others. It’s a beautiful thing. Take good care of yourself and you will be in a better position to show care for others.
<3
Stephanie
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My Own Story
Hello! My name is Stephanie and this is my blog. Here I will share about all things related to Well-Being. What it is, why it’s important, how to get more of it, and why it might be lacking. I will share my own story of growth in well-being and what it has meant for my life as well as provide space for others to share their own stories. And perhaps most importantly, I will work hard to build a community of support for you as you navigate your own path to well-being, happiness, and health. My vision is to be among those who are seeking something greater and looking to live with more satisfaction, to shine a light on the path forward and walk alongside them as they come to know themselves better. Everyone’s journey looks a little different and I am honored and humbled to be part of it. Let’s begin with a little background on me.
A Brief History
I have two children, W age 18 and L age 16. Like most mothers raising kids, my life is a balancing act and I am constantly learning, often the hard way, about what not to do. Parenting for me has not been an exercise in real time positive reinforcement — that has come in a delayed fashion. It involves trust that my hard work modeling my own behaviors and my efforts to pour love, kindness, and goodness into them has helped shape them into empathetic, caring people.
So much of my younger parenting days were spent in fight or flight mode largely because one of my children is on the autism spectrum. I dealt with inflexibility and tantrums on a daily basis. It was hard and humbling and often scary. I also dealt with incredible brilliance, creativity, and heart melting sweetness on a daily basis from the same kid. This made me want to be a better human every second of the day. I put my heart into loving both my kids and learning about what resources would be best for both of them. There was a lot of trial and error. Some days we celebrated great success, and some days were a total failure by 9:00am. I needed to learn how to take care of myself emotionally, mentally, and physically if I was going to keep up. More on that later.
Body Love
For me, taking care of my physical body is a no brainer. I discovered early on in my parenting journey that physical exertion gave me the release I needed to keep my temper in check and remain calm during extreme chaos. So I ran, walked, did yoga, martial arts, kickboxing, lifted weights, and eventually I landed on barre3. I also learned early on that in order to put out that much physical exertion I needed to fuel my body well. So, I researched and experimented. I found ways to fuel my body with a lot of fruits and vegetables. Eventually I discovered that I feel best when I don’t eat a lot of gluten, and ultimately I landed on a vegan diet, which I still enjoy today.
This progression happened over about 15 years and I honestly feel better in my body now than I did in my 30’s. Taking care of my body is just one aspect of good health and well-being and I came to realize that in all my working out, sweating, stretching, smoothie making, and salad eating something was missing. I also needed to take care of myself mentally.
Mind Love
I got married when I was 25 years old. My gut knew at the time that it likely wouldn’t work out. I even had a panic attack when I put on my dress. At the time, I didn’t understand what was going on and I chalked it up to “nerves”. I wanted to be married and I wanted to have a family. So I held on tight to the relationship I was in because it was all that I had. Regret is not something I have because my marriage gave me two wonderful children and plenty of lessons about myself. I spent a lot of time trying to conform myself into someone I wasn’t and the relationship was damaging. The details are unnecessary, but I will say that my insides were screaming that this wasn’t a healthy situation and I ignored that voice. For years.
Instead of hearing that inner knowing, I listened to the negative voice inside my head. The one that told me I wasn’t good enough or worthy of the kind of love and relationship I had always dreamed about. That voice was absolutely wrong, but I didn’t have the strength or the skills to know how to silence it and find the truth. This was not good for my health. All the vegetables, fruit, and exercise in the world can’t fix that. In order to handle that I had to take a look at the hard, harsh reality of my life choices. And I had to learn to do it without condemning myself.
That was really hard. I read books, I went to seminars about mindset, I listened to podcasts, I went to Al-Anon, and I went to therapy. Eventually I found the strength to love myself enough to move on from my marriage and create a life for myself that included self love and self respect. I did it for me as much as I did it for my family. No one in our family was happy, and we all deserved better.
Soul Love
Throughout my time where I was working on my mindset I kept hearing about a Well-Being coach training through Anthropedia that sounded interesting. For several years I kept emailing back and forth with the director and could never quite commit. I wanted to experience the personal renaissance they were talking about. Hadn’t I already experienced something like that? Perhaps, but I also knew there was more to be done. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Here I was living alone for the first time in 20 years. I had good habits around eating and taking care of my body. To help with mindset, I was journaling everyday and continuing to focus on positivity. I had also dipped my toe in the water of meditation, starting small at first and working my way into larger blocks of time.
What meditation did for my anxiety was incredible. I noticed that when I gave myself over to being still, I could actually hear myself clearly. I believe that is what led me to finally sink myself into the year long course in Well-Being and what gave me the push to become a coach. It was a culmination of years of searching for something greater than myself and born out of my lifelong desire to be of service to others.
New Beginnings
During my period of self discovery, living alone, I was working on loving myself and being my own best companion. I watched a lot of movies and wrote a lot of songs. I worked on being ok with silence in my normally busy home during those periods of time my kids were away at their Dad’s. Those were lonely, hard moments sometimes.
One night I mustered up some bravery to drive to the city alone to hear some music. I knew I would know people once I got there, but the act of going alone was a big deal for me. Somehow, the person I have been looking for my whole life was there too. We talked, he asked me out on a date, and he has been my best friend, partner, companion, and love ever since. Together we have 4 children and my life truly feels complete. I recognize that the love I have now is the love my soul told me I could have so long ago. I needed to have faith in that truth before I could find it. The work I have done on myself and my own growth in well-being has made me a better partner to Josh, a better mom to our kids, a better friend, daughter, sister, and aunt.
Knowing Myself
I continue to get to know myself better everyday. I have not reached the peak of well-being — no one living has. We keep climbing one step at a time, learning and growing as we climb. After many, many years of searching I have finally found something that combines all of my skills that I have collected throughout my life. Including my love for serving others and my passion to make a difference and do meaningful work. I hope that by sharing my own story of growth in well-being in my life, you are inspired to take the first or another step into your own story.
Everyone’s path to well-being is unique and the Anthropedia method of coaching may be a good fit for you. If you would like to learn more about how coaching can help you, I invite you to complete the contact form here and have a pre-session with me. During that session we will get to know each other better, talk specifically about the services I offer, and how they might help improve your overall well-being.
I couldn’t be more excited to walk alongside you.
<3,
Stephanie
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