I Married My Best Friend

Yesterday I married my best friend. It was the most beautiful day rich with intimacy and love; family and friends; laughter and joy. We kept things really simple and focused our efforts on the details that really, really mattered to us. Among the most important is our commitment to each other and our family. Also the honest words we spoke to one another, the expression of music, and our closest friends. We feel so lucky to have stumbled upon each other at the exact right time and we feel so solid in our love and friendship. Our story is not just beginning and it is far from over, but this is certainly one of the sweetest chapters to write.

2020

This has been a hard year. 2020 has proven to be that way for everyone. For us, we have navigated job loss (mine), building a business (mine), virtual school (all four kids), and getting one kid settled in his first year of college. We continue to walk the delicate path of gender transition with one of our kids and learn how to be a better ally for her everyday. Like many people, we also feel pulled back by past events and traumas that occurred before we met which bring up anxiety and issues we have to work through again and again. It is unpleasant and painful and also necessary. Fortunately, we do all of this side by side, leaning into one another. We work hard to find a balance between work and play and model kindness, empathy, and love for our kids. 

Back to the Start

So, when we decided to have a much needed date night for the first time since March, like out in public, sitting outside and enjoying a meal, we decided to go to our very favorite place, Lona’s Lil Eats. This happens to be where Josh took me on our first date and we have managed to eat there several times a month for the last 4.5 years. They are only open for curbside take out, but have some lovely picnic tables outside. So, we ordered and enjoyed dinner al fresco as the sun went down. It was so nice and it felt like normal again.

As Josh was cleaning up the table, I was taking in the sights and sounds of the Fox Park neighborhood. I heard him behind me say that I had dropped something. When I turned around he was down on one knee with a beautiful ring in his hand. We had been talking about getting married and I thought we would just decide one day and that would be that. This was such a welcome, sweet surprise.

All You Need is Love

Before the ring, we had talked about taking a trip sometime and just getting married. But, I was torn. Family is important to me. My parents, my sisters, our kids…I wanted them all to be part of our special day, whenever that was going to be. I kept saying that I could elope, but Josh knew better. He kept insisting that I would regret not having a few really special people there. He was right.

Planning a wedding seems like a lot. But as it turns out, all you really need is love. Love comes in many forms. For us, love showed up as really, really great friends who lended their time and talent to our day. Also loving family members who always remember that we support, accept, and love each other no matter what. And perhaps, most importantly, love came to me in the form of an amazing man who accepts me and all that I bring to the table without exception or question. I married my best friend and I am so happy.

Things Fall Into Place

When you keep things simple, have great friends and family, as we did and do, things fall into place. My best friend is an amazing photographer and creative human being. Thanks to her, we have a beautiful collection of memories to cherish for the rest of our lives. Because of  Heidi, I will never forget the magic of this day. The light, the colors, the heart, soul, and love are all present in her photos. She is a gift.

Another great friend became ordained to marry us. She is a long time friend of Josh’s and a newer friend of mine. She put so much thought and intention behind every word she spoke. It was incredible and intimate and felt effortless.

We were on the receiving end of so much generosity and love yesterday. We had friends come and play soft, sweet music so we could have a first dance right after we said “I do”. And we were gifted an abundance of flowers and greens from a local home garden that we used to create bouquets for our daughters and niece, as well as decorate tables and the trellis that Josh made for our backdrop.

Making Magic

As the sun was setting, my Dad took my arm and walked me toward my love. As we walked we smiled through a few tears as we shared a moment where no words were really needed. I felt the warmth of Josh, our kids, our extended family and our friends as we spoke honest words and committed ourselves wholeheartedly and happily. It was pure magic the way I felt. The energy was incredible and it was honestly what every single person there needed. Connection, community, and love. I am so grateful.

Afterwards we gathered outdoors for a chilly picnic. We celebrated our union and were able to connect personally with everyone who was present with us. At one point I stepped back and took it all in. What I saw was resiliency, love, community, and healing. It was exactly what I had envisioned and everything I hoped for.

Moving Forward

All the challenges that 2020 has brought are still here. We are still dealing with a pandemic, still navigating virtual school and still feeling the challenges of all the uncertainty. And yet, we are better equipped to deal with it because we took time for gratitude, expressed love, looked toward our future with hope, and listened to our intuition that now was the perfect time to do it all.

Our little family needed a boost of goodness and connection. We got what we needed to fortify ourselves and now we continue on with renewed strength and happiness. I wish the same for you!

<3

Stephanie

Letting Go Skills So You Can Feel Better

There is a common misconception that letting go means pushing away thoughts, feelings, and emotions and wearing a brave face. This fake it until you make it approach only gets you so far. It’s true that sometimes shifting your perspective takes the simplicity of smiling and attempting to be happy. But what about those times when that isn’t enough? If we are to really learn how to cultivate happiness and resilience we have to fill our tool box with letting go skills. These skills help with change. They are indispensable to those of us on a quest to live our best lives. In times of uncertainty these skills and tools will no doubt get a workout.

In order to start building our letting go skills, we must first understand what letting go means and how it helps us to grow. Once we are clear on that we will dive into best practices that you can implement now to begin your practice of letting go. Let’s get started.

What is letting go?

Letting go means to move through the struggle and emotion in order to get calm. It means to release the habit of blaming everyone else for our problems, and resisting the urge to argue and fight with the people around us and ourselves. Accepting reality, even when it doesn’t feel good, is an important part of building letting go skills. When we fight, blame, and struggle with others it creates resistance within us. This leads to inner struggle. If that struggle is too great and we don’t have adequate letting go skills we feel hopeless. Unfortunately, this cycle is on repeat for many people.

What can you do about it? First and foremost, stop judging your feelings. Acknowledge your own emotions, thoughts, and feelings with the same love you would for a friend. Changes are, you are the type of person who comforts a friend that is hurting readily. You likely don’t judge them and have a desire to help. Channel that same love and helpfulness toward yourself. This means noticing how you are feeling without judgement. This is tricky for a lot of people, but the first of many letting go skills we will discuss.

Practicing Self Acceptance

Most of us do not spend much time really understanding who we are and why we respond or react to things the way we do. We often create judgments about ourselves and use outdated habits to manage our feelings. This can look a lot like using numbing tactics just to get through something that feels uncomfortable. As you might suspect, this leads to that cycle of struggle that we touched on in the previous paragraph.

Working with a well-being coach helps you grow in awareness of yourself; who you are, your habits, and your personality so that you can work more specifically on the areas that need growth. This type of growth takes time and practice and will ultimately lead you in the direction of self acceptance and living happier more of the time. If you are interested in working one on one with me in developing letting go skills, click here to get started.

Set Goals

Most of us are familiar with the good feeling that comes when we set a goal and are successful in reaching it. This gives us a sense of accomplishment and sets us up for feeling hopeful. Taking action on a goal successfully requires us to be thoughtful about what we are trying to achieve. To create more hope in your life, try setting a series of small, attainable goals that you can work toward on a daily basis.

To begin, make a list of things you would like to do today. This is a familiar “to do” list. We have all made them and we know the disappointment that comes from not crossing everything off the list. For this list, the goal is to check everything off. So, with intention, make a list of things you know you can and would like to accomplish today. Put at least one thing on the list that is part of another larger goal. In order to choose that one thing we need to do some work on a larger goal or goals.

I suggest making another action list or two for longer term goals. These could be self care related, health related, anything you choose.  To make these lists, write down all that you can think of  to do in order to take action on, for example, self care. Meditation for 10 minutes, take a 30 minute walk, read a book for 30 minutes, take a bath, stretch for 15 minutes before bed, etc. Anything that falls into self care that you are not already doing should go on this list. Then, pick one of these things and commit fully to doing it.

At the end of the day, notice how you feel. More than likely, you feel accomplished and a little happier. This is hopeful. Keep doing this each day with intention and notice how your sense of hope grows.

Surrender Control

We cannot control everything. We try our best though, don’t we? Here is some hard truth that is worth writing down and posting where you can see it all the time.

The only thing you are in control of is you.

That’s it. The sooner you learn how to surrender to the idea that you cannot control other people or every circumstance or how people react to you or how people see you or the weather or anything else for that matter, the better. You don’t have to like the circumstances or the choices other people make or the weather, but you cannot control it. Your feelings are valid and it’s healthy to acknowledge them and feel them. Then, come back to the truth of what you can control and take action there.

Holding sand

There is so much freedom in this letting go skill of surrender. It frees you up to give thought space to things that you can control. It actually allows you to hold on to more. Here is what I mean by that. Imagine yourself on a sandy beach. Scoop up a big handful of dry, fine sand. Squeeze your hand into a fist. How much sand remains in your hand? Not much. Most of it spills out the sides. Now do it again, but this time leave your hand open like a cup for the sand. You are able to hold more with less effort. This is the art of letting go and being gentle.

You know that by holding on too tight sand will slip through the cracks and your hand will be tired. This same concept applies to our relationships with others as well as with ourselves. When we struggle with someone else because we are trying to get them to change or we feel like blaming them for how we are feeling, we become tense, stressed, and are holding on for dear life. The same is true when we struggle with something about ourselves we wish to change. Here is what you can do instead. Recognize your emotions, surrender the things you cannot control, and work on bringing yourself into a calm state by holding only what you know you can.

In doing this, you create a positive shift for yourself. This has a calming effect on the entire situation and actually gives the other person permission to do the same. This is the most important of all the letting go skills. It requires practice, and it won’t be perfect. Being aware and setting an intention to let go of struggle is the first step. When you find yourself in a challenging situation, remember the sand.

Easy Does It

When we are doing hard things it’s important to be reflective on the wins we experience. Doing this work of letting go is challenging and when we are successful it’s worth acknowledging, even celebrating. So, make sure that you are giving yourself plenty of positive feedback for your hard work. To remember to do this, try the following.

At the end of each day reflect on each aspect of your day; morning, mid-day, and evening. For each aspect of the day, write down at least one thing that you did really well. These can be things that moved you toward a goal, taking a pause instead of reacting, walking away from a struggle, resisting the urge to try and control something you can’t control, etc. Do this practice for several weeks. Doing this daily practice, strengthens the intention to keep going and helps us find the ease in the effort of letting go.

In addition, it is helpful to get into the habit of contributing to a daily gratitude journal. This works on keeping us hopeful. You can read more about how to do this here.

Give Grace and Permission

I will leave you today with one more recommendation. In his book, Permission to Feel, Marc Brackett, Ph.D., talks about the power of emotions and how understanding and growing your emotional intelligence is so important for well-being. Feeding yourself knowledge about how to understand your emotions and even get to the root cause of the emotion is important and another good tool in your letting go skills toolbox.

Reading this book alone does not create lasting change, but it will give you some great nuggets for growth. Most importantly, this book acts as a permission slip to feel all the feelings. Right now, we are all on a rollercoaster of emotional ups and downs collectively. Let us be gentle with ourselves and each other and give grace freely.

<3

Stephanie