All Is Well
Waiting is hard. No matter what you might be waiting for it’s tough. It requires patience, mindfulness, and hope. The tendency to worry, at least for me, is at an all time high when I am waiting for something. At the end of February I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had gone in for a routine mammogram on the 17th and was called back for additional imaging the next day. Ugh. I had been here before. Many times. I have small, dense breasts and that makes it hard to see what’s what sometimes. I tried not to worry as I waited for my appointment for diagnostic imaging. But I was worried. How many times can a person get called back before it is something to be concerned about?
The diagnostic imaging was rough. The appointment was long and a few minutes into it I knew they were looking hard at something that concerned them. I wanted to cry and I wanted to be hopeful. I laid there and did my breathing exercises wishing my husband could be in the room with me so I could look at his face and know I would be ok. He was in the waiting room and when they asked me if they should go get him before I met with the radiologist I knew. We held hands as the radiologist described a small mass that needed further investigation as well as a slightly enlarged lymph node under my arm. She never used the word cancer, but my insides were screaming at me. Fuck. I have cancer.
Good news/Bad News
A few days later as I laid there during the biopsy appointment, I kept myself calm by breathing. Slow, deliberate breaths. In and out, over and over again. It was long and uncomfortable. My mantra throughout that appointment and every appointment since has been this.
“All is well. Everything is working out according to my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am safe.” These words from Louise Hay have been a life line. I’ve said them so many times that I believe them with my whole being.
On the last day of February I got the call with the biopsy results. The bad news? Invasive ductal carcinoma. The good news? The biopsied lymph nodes showed no cancer. I was devastated and relieved all at once. We still had to wait for the biomarker pathology to come back. This information tells you if the cancer is positive or negative for estrogen and progesterone receptors and if it is positive or negative for the her2 protein. This determines how they treat the cancer, how aggressive it is, etc. Those were the longest 3 days of my life. Turns out that my cancer is estrogen and progesterone receptor positive and her2 negative which is favorable.
Healing begins now
The day after I found out I had breast cancer I had nothing to do. I had cleared my schedule of work as I was originally supposed to have my biopsy that day. They got me in sooner so here I was with a new diagnosis, nothing to keep me busy, and a head and heart full of worry and fear. I dropped my daughter off at work and drove myself to Origin Wellness. I didn’t know what else to do and I just wanted to be in a place that felt good, with people who felt safe. Origin is a special place for so many reasons.
When I was training to become a well-being coach through Anthropedia, Origin was under construction. This place would become the Anthropedia training center for new coaches as well as an inclusive sancutary for anyone looking to find balance in body, mind, and spirit. The pandemic made it impossible for the training center to be used for in person training once it was finished, but the spa became a safe haven for many, myself included. This is why I think it was an automatic response to drive myself there that day.
Let Go
As I was driving to Origin that day my thoughts turned to worry and fear about my future, my survival, and what I was going to face next for treatment. Also shame. How can I be a well-being coach and a nationally board certified health and wellness coach and have cancer? Aren’t I supposed to be a model for others? How did this happen? I eat a plant based diet, I take care of myself, I exercise….how can I have cancer? Inside my head I heard my own voice ask “why is this happening to me?” And then that smaller, more intuitive voice whispered back, “why not you?” It was in that moment that I stopped questioning and began my journey toward acceptance. The truth? I didn’t do anything to get cancer. It’s not my fault, there is no one to blame. It just happens. And it sucks, but it’s happening. Feeling totally overwhelmed, afraid, and swimming in anxiety, I kept telling myself, all is well, even when things are hard.
Gratefully, when I walked in the door and saw a familiar face, I felt a wave of relief come over me. That day and the weeks that followed, Origin was my place to go to prepare my body, mind, and soul for what was to come. I cannot tell you in words how impactful these treatments were for me. All I know is that I felt held, supported, nurtured, and cared for and I needed it desperately. I moved through the anger, fear, sadness, and worry and came out the other side empowered, strong, and ready for surgery.
Ingredients for healing
Healing from cancer is more than surgery and treatment. Those things are a very important part of the equation, but they aren’t the whole picture. I appreciate the doctors that have used their expertise and knowledge to make recommendations for treatments and the surgeons who performed my bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction. I am amazed by science and even more in awe of what my body can endure and heal from. Because of these procedures and my access to good healthcare, I no longer have breast cancer. I have some things yet to do in order to keep the cancer from coming back, but I am on my way.
Part of my recovery includes practices that appease my body in ways that are healing, restorative, and energizing. It’s these practices that lead to healing in my whole being; body, thought, and soul. Gratitude, meditation, restorative and detoxifying treatments at Origin, exercise, gardening, connection with people I love, eating well, expressing my feelings, releasing fear through crying, journaling, rest, writing songs, singing, dancing around the kitchen with my husband, laughter. These are all very important for healing. But, it isn’t enough to know this — these things have to be practiced. In other words, I have to actually do them in order to reap the benefits.
All Really Is Well
The blessings that have come from this diagnosis are plentiful. Everyday is a new opportunity to do something meaningful for myself and someone else. And I don’t always see that. Sometimes all I can see is the cancer diagnosis and the fear that is associated with it. In this state I am not able to see the gratitude, or feel hopeful, or even feel the love that surrounds me. What grounds me on those days? My body. I get into my body and I start to remember how strong and badass I am. Once again I get back in touch with the amazingness that is my body and my ability to heal. I recall the many ways I have overcome adversity, pain, and loss. The ways I have moved through and beyond fear and hopelessness. And then I hear those words again…. All is well.
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On Being In Practice
I’ve been talking a lot with clients lately on what it means to be “in practice”. There seems to be a disconnect in what we tell ourselves about practicing something that implies that at some point we become the expert. And that in this expert state we no longer need to practice. This isn’t true. While we get better and may even achieve “expert status”, we still have to keep up with our skills. After all, if we don’t use them, we lose them.
Most of us accept this truth when it comes to learning a new skill like playing an instrument. Obviously we need to study and practice in order to learn. And once we learn to play the instrument we need to continue playing it from time to time in order to maintain our skill. If we want to continue to get better, we need to practice even more. Why then is it so hard to accept this about things we do to improve our overall well-being? We make excuses like I’m not good at this or I don’t have time or I tried that once and it didn’t work or it made me uncomfortable. This is something worth exploring if we want to understand ourselves and effect lasting change.
Let go of perfection
The judgement and criticism that we subject ourselves to is the first thing we need to address. No one gets better at anything or even tries to step outside their comfort zone if they they doubt their own worthiness for success. That voice inside your head that questions your ability or your worth? It has to be identified and redirected. In a shame cycle, you aren’t very useful to yourself. Take the instrument metaphor. If you expect, right out of the gate, to be an excellent guitar player and this is the first time you are holding a guitar, you will be very disappointed. You might even give up before you really get started. We have to meet ourselves where we are and give grace to our inadequacies and imperfections. This comes from awareness and acceptance.
When I am talking with my clients about being in practice with mediation, yoga, getting into their body or eating healthy food, I am always encouraging them to develop a practice even when they are feeling good. I do this because these things aren’t bandaids only to be used for acute care when life is turned upside down or we are feeling anxious. By practicing, we are engaging in prevention and cultivating a lifestyle. We also increase our chances of reaching for a healthy tool rather than spiraling when we are overcome by stress, anxiety, or depression.
Pay attention
The excuse of time is a big one. Have you ever made a log of everything you do in one day? From the time you wake up to the time you fall asleep, there are so many hours. How are you spending them? How you spend your time is what you are practicing. And what you practice, you become good at. For example, if you are spending your time scrolling through social media, you will be really good at that. If you are spending your time cleaning and organizing your home, you will have a very clean and organized home. Heres the truth – if you really want to do something, you will find the time. It is about prioritizing and commitment.
Sometimes it is hard to commit and prioritize the things that we know will benefit ourselves first and foremost. What I mean by that is we are often more willing to do for others what we don’t do for ourselves. This is something that we have been conditioned to do by our upbringing and societal pressure, but it doesn’t make it right or healthy. When you prioritize yourself you give others permission to do the same. You also learn to look within yourself for what you need instead of relying on outside sources. In short, you learn to fill your own cup. When your cup is full you have more to give.
Yeah, I did that once
So, you tried to meditate once before and had trouble sitting still? Or you went to a yoga class and felt judged by the lady next to you and you never went back? We have all had experiences like these that left us feeling less than or we didn’t get the outcome we wanted. There’s that pesky perfectionism again. Just because you did something once and you didn’t like it or it didn’t work out the way you wanted is not a reason to throw in the towel. Adjust your expectations. Take a smaller bite. Try meditating for 3 minutes instead of 30. Try a different yoga studio with a different vibe.
Letting go of your attachment to a particular outcome or the way something “should” look will help you to be more mindful. Being mindful means to be attentive and aware to what is happening within and around you. Sitting with that reality and knowing that right now is not forever. This feels this way right now, today. Maybe tomorrow it will feel different.
Growing pains
In my late twenties I borrowed a Jillian Michaels exercise video from my mom. I know, laugh if you want – it’s pretty funny. She was all the rage in the fitness world and I was out of shape after having my first baby. I refused to go to the gym because I didn’t like being around other people who I was certain were looking at me with their judgmental eyes. Looking back I can see that I was deep in a cycle of unworthiness, comparison, and self-judgement. That is a blog post for another day.
Anyway, in the video (which was really hard by the way), she said “get comfortable with being uncomfortable”. She was encouraging all of us who were working out at home to not quit just because we felt some discomfort. It worked for me. She wasn’t saying to push through pain and injury, but she was saying that your brain wants to quit long before your body. That resonated with me and it still does.
I am much gentler with my exercise approach now and that has served me well over the years, but I still hear her voice sometimes in my head. Even during meditation sometimes, especially then, because everything is still and quiet, my brain wants to quit. I want to get out of the discomfort and avoid sitting in it. I want to lean into the distractions and the to-do list. Anything that keeps me from paying close attention to stillness or my breath or my body. Anything that helps me avoid sitting with the discomfort of the moment. But it is in the practice of staying and being with these moments of discomfort that I have experienced my biggest growth. It is not a failure that I had to keep redirecting my thoughts to my breath or to a part on my body over and over again. It means I am doing it. That is the practice.
Practice makes progress
Remember that your practice is your own. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to look like mine. You don’t need anything special to get started and there is never a “right” time to take the plunge. You have to find the balance between commitment and flexibility. Balance the ease and the effort. This takes trust and being in practice toward your goals will help you feel accomplished and hopeful. In this hopeful state you will be better prepared to take on the uncertainties of life. Why? Because you are well practiced.
<3 Stephanie
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Why Accountability Works
Most people want to please other people. It gives us a sense that not only are you accomplishing something, but someone else cares about what you are doing. This, in a nutshell, is why accountability works. Today we will discuss some ways you can set up accountability in your life and why that is important on your goal setting, action taking plan for well-being.
Before we get started, think about the people in your life that will support your growth. It is important to be aware of who those people are and if they are present in your life. Grab a piece of paper and jot down a few names just to create some awareness around who those people are for you.
Cart Before the Horse
When you are trying to create change around something it is important to not jump willy nilly right into goals and action. First you need to carefully examine the situation as it stands. So, in the case of well-being, we need to first establish your current state. This has to happen so you know what needs work and it is fundamental in why accountability works. To do this, you can do a simple exercise to create more awareness.
In a journal or notebook, make two lists. One list for what things are going really well in your life in terms of your happiness, satisfaction, and well-being. The things on this list should include activities and experiences that put you in a flow state when you engage in them. If you aren’t familiar with what it means to be in flow, consider reading Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s book entitled Flow to gain more knowledge. For many of us, this list is sometimes pretty short. That’s ok.
In your second list, write down all the things that make you feel unhappy or out of flow so to speak. These could be things you want to do, but struggle with for whatever reason. Remember that you are making this list not to be judgmental of what is going on in your life, but rather to highlight what area, specifically, you want to work on. Working with a well-being coach helps you with this first step, which is critical. The exercise I am suggesting here is one way for you to get started quickly at home, but if you are seeking to dive deeper into this exploration consider working with a coach.
Now what?
Now that you have your lists made and you can clearly see what is making you happy and unhappy your next step is to consider where to start. Remember that our goal here is to start small and build a strong foundation for creating new habits, practices, and activities that will produce lasting change in your life. This is another really important step in why accountability works.
What are you most motivated to work on in terms of your well-being? What is most pressing? These are questions only you can answer and they are important questions for sure. Before trying to answer these questions, let’s ensure that you are in a calm state of mind first. To do this, sit comfortably and try to relax. Take several deep, slow breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. You can do this with your eyes open or closed. Once you have taken several deep breaths, return to normal breathing and remain still and quiet with your breath for a minute or two.
When you feel calm, you are ready to choose which thing you’d like to focus on. Try not to struggle with this. In your calm state allow yourself to review your list and go with the one you feel most drawn to. Keep it simple.
Let’s set a goal!
You’ve discovered what you want to focus on — now we need to engage on how you are going to work on this. Before we get to the action steps we need a S.M.A.R.T. goal. These goals are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound. Again, this is where a coach really comes in handy if you struggle with this. It is ok to need help with goal setting. Good goal setting is paramount in setting up for action and a huge part of why accountability works. If you don’t have a S.M.A.R.T. goal to begin with, action and accountability are pretty useless.
So, in thinking about your focus, brainstorm some ideas. For example, if you would like to set a goal that focuses on calming emotions for well-being, get specific on what that looks like.
Get clear on the purpose
What is the purpose of the goal? In this case, it is to incorporate calming strategies for managing overwhelming negative emotions.
Do some brainstorming
What are specific ways that you can work toward this goal? Perhaps it is developing a daily meditation practice, or doing some calming stretches, or daily self-care habits. Be really specific here.
Make your selections
Which of those things do you want to try? The pitfall here is to bite off more that you can chew. Be realistic about what you are willing to do. You can always add more.
System for measuring
What ways will you measure how things are coming along? Maybe this looks like keeping a daily journal of how you feel before and after the practice you decide to incorporate.
Take action
What, specifically will you do each day to work toward the goal? An example for this would be to decide that you will meditate for 10 minutes each morning when you wake and each evening before bed. Perhaps also journaling about how you are feeling before and after each meditation period.
Set up accountability
This is where that list of names comes in handy. If you are a person who thrives on outside encouragement, external accountability is super important. To do that, you need to enlist some help from a trusted friend or partner. To be clear, this person will not be in charge of doing anything other than cheering you on and providing encouragement to keep going. There is no room for shaming or criticism here. This should be very positive for both of you.
Setting this up is simple. You share your goals and plan for action with this other person. And you establish how you will let them know you have completed your action steps and how often you will communicate this to them. Be specific. For example, if you have decided that you will meditate for 10 minutes twice per day and journal your feelings/state of mind before and after each meditation you will share that goal with your friend. If you want to email or text your friend each day letting them know you accomplished your goals for the day, you establish that. Come to an agreement for a specific start and end date for this goal and then get started. In no time you will begin to see why accountability works! As a bonus, you can act as an accountability partner for your friend. In this case, each of you would reap the benefit of growth as well as participate in the joys that come from seeing someone you care about achieve a goal.
Getting off Course
It happens. Sometimes we get thrown off course. When this happens it is so important to remember that it is ok to reset and start over. Self-criticism does you no good here. Get calm, try to discover what went wrong, and re-establish your goals accordingly. This might have happened because the goal you set was too big for right now, or because something unexpected got thrown at you.
If getting off course is a regular occurrence for you, it may be time for you to enlist some help from a coach. In well-being coaching, we work on the fundamentals of well-being and mental health so that you can discover who you are, what makes you happy, what makes you unhappy, and develop skills for resilience.
Stay the Course
You can do this practice of creating awareness, goal setting, and action in all areas of your life. It is a wonderful feeling to be working toward a goal and having success. I hope this helps you to see why accountability works and also shows you how to hold yourself accountable. Ultimately, you are your own best accountability partner. You can cheer yourself on, as well as empower and support yourself along your journey toward achieving your goals. In doing this, others cannot help but join in the cheering section. You’ve got this!
<3
Stephanie
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