All Is Well
Waiting is hard. No matter what you might be waiting for it’s tough. It requires patience, mindfulness, and hope. The tendency to worry, at least for me, is at an all time high when I am waiting for something. At the end of February I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had gone in for a routine mammogram on the 17th and was called back for additional imaging the next day. Ugh. I had been here before. Many times. I have small, dense breasts and that makes it hard to see what’s what sometimes. I tried not to worry as I waited for my appointment for diagnostic imaging. But I was worried. How many times can a person get called back before it is something to be concerned about?
The diagnostic imaging was rough. The appointment was long and a few minutes into it I knew they were looking hard at something that concerned them. I wanted to cry and I wanted to be hopeful. I laid there and did my breathing exercises wishing my husband could be in the room with me so I could look at his face and know I would be ok. He was in the waiting room and when they asked me if they should go get him before I met with the radiologist I knew. We held hands as the radiologist described a small mass that needed further investigation as well as a slightly enlarged lymph node under my arm. She never used the word cancer, but my insides were screaming at me. Fuck. I have cancer.
Good news/Bad News
A few days later as I laid there during the biopsy appointment, I kept myself calm by breathing. Slow, deliberate breaths. In and out, over and over again. It was long and uncomfortable. My mantra throughout that appointment and every appointment since has been this.
“All is well. Everything is working out according to my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am safe.” These words from Louise Hay have been a life line. I’ve said them so many times that I believe them with my whole being.
On the last day of February I got the call with the biopsy results. The bad news? Invasive ductal carcinoma. The good news? The biopsied lymph nodes showed no cancer. I was devastated and relieved all at once. We still had to wait for the biomarker pathology to come back. This information tells you if the cancer is positive or negative for estrogen and progesterone receptors and if it is positive or negative for the her2 protein. This determines how they treat the cancer, how aggressive it is, etc. Those were the longest 3 days of my life. Turns out that my cancer is estrogen and progesterone receptor positive and her2 negative which is favorable.
Healing begins now
The day after I found out I had breast cancer I had nothing to do. I had cleared my schedule of work as I was originally supposed to have my biopsy that day. They got me in sooner so here I was with a new diagnosis, nothing to keep me busy, and a head and heart full of worry and fear. I dropped my daughter off at work and drove myself to Origin Wellness. I didn’t know what else to do and I just wanted to be in a place that felt good, with people who felt safe. Origin is a special place for so many reasons.
When I was training to become a well-being coach through Anthropedia, Origin was under construction. This place would become the Anthropedia training center for new coaches as well as an inclusive sancutary for anyone looking to find balance in body, mind, and spirit. The pandemic made it impossible for the training center to be used for in person training once it was finished, but the spa became a safe haven for many, myself included. This is why I think it was an automatic response to drive myself there that day.
Let Go
As I was driving to Origin that day my thoughts turned to worry and fear about my future, my survival, and what I was going to face next for treatment. Also shame. How can I be a well-being coach and a nationally board certified health and wellness coach and have cancer? Aren’t I supposed to be a model for others? How did this happen? I eat a plant based diet, I take care of myself, I exercise….how can I have cancer? Inside my head I heard my own voice ask “why is this happening to me?” And then that smaller, more intuitive voice whispered back, “why not you?” It was in that moment that I stopped questioning and began my journey toward acceptance. The truth? I didn’t do anything to get cancer. It’s not my fault, there is no one to blame. It just happens. And it sucks, but it’s happening. Feeling totally overwhelmed, afraid, and swimming in anxiety, I kept telling myself, all is well, even when things are hard.
Gratefully, when I walked in the door and saw a familiar face, I felt a wave of relief come over me. That day and the weeks that followed, Origin was my place to go to prepare my body, mind, and soul for what was to come. I cannot tell you in words how impactful these treatments were for me. All I know is that I felt held, supported, nurtured, and cared for and I needed it desperately. I moved through the anger, fear, sadness, and worry and came out the other side empowered, strong, and ready for surgery.
Ingredients for healing
Healing from cancer is more than surgery and treatment. Those things are a very important part of the equation, but they aren’t the whole picture. I appreciate the doctors that have used their expertise and knowledge to make recommendations for treatments and the surgeons who performed my bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction. I am amazed by science and even more in awe of what my body can endure and heal from. Because of these procedures and my access to good healthcare, I no longer have breast cancer. I have some things yet to do in order to keep the cancer from coming back, but I am on my way.
Part of my recovery includes practices that appease my body in ways that are healing, restorative, and energizing. It’s these practices that lead to healing in my whole being; body, thought, and soul. Gratitude, meditation, restorative and detoxifying treatments at Origin, exercise, gardening, connection with people I love, eating well, expressing my feelings, releasing fear through crying, journaling, rest, writing songs, singing, dancing around the kitchen with my husband, laughter. These are all very important for healing. But, it isn’t enough to know this — these things have to be practiced. In other words, I have to actually do them in order to reap the benefits.
All Really Is Well
The blessings that have come from this diagnosis are plentiful. Everyday is a new opportunity to do something meaningful for myself and someone else. And I don’t always see that. Sometimes all I can see is the cancer diagnosis and the fear that is associated with it. In this state I am not able to see the gratitude, or feel hopeful, or even feel the love that surrounds me. What grounds me on those days? My body. I get into my body and I start to remember how strong and badass I am. Once again I get back in touch with the amazingness that is my body and my ability to heal. I recall the many ways I have overcome adversity, pain, and loss. The ways I have moved through and beyond fear and hopelessness. And then I hear those words again…. All is well.
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On Being In Practice
I’ve been talking a lot with clients lately on what it means to be “in practice”. There seems to be a disconnect in what we tell ourselves about practicing something that implies that at some point we become the expert. And that in this expert state we no longer need to practice. This isn’t true. While we get better and may even achieve “expert status”, we still have to keep up with our skills. After all, if we don’t use them, we lose them.
Most of us accept this truth when it comes to learning a new skill like playing an instrument. Obviously we need to study and practice in order to learn. And once we learn to play the instrument we need to continue playing it from time to time in order to maintain our skill. If we want to continue to get better, we need to practice even more. Why then is it so hard to accept this about things we do to improve our overall well-being? We make excuses like I’m not good at this or I don’t have time or I tried that once and it didn’t work or it made me uncomfortable. This is something worth exploring if we want to understand ourselves and effect lasting change.
Let go of perfection
The judgement and criticism that we subject ourselves to is the first thing we need to address. No one gets better at anything or even tries to step outside their comfort zone if they they doubt their own worthiness for success. That voice inside your head that questions your ability or your worth? It has to be identified and redirected. In a shame cycle, you aren’t very useful to yourself. Take the instrument metaphor. If you expect, right out of the gate, to be an excellent guitar player and this is the first time you are holding a guitar, you will be very disappointed. You might even give up before you really get started. We have to meet ourselves where we are and give grace to our inadequacies and imperfections. This comes from awareness and acceptance.
When I am talking with my clients about being in practice with mediation, yoga, getting into their body or eating healthy food, I am always encouraging them to develop a practice even when they are feeling good. I do this because these things aren’t bandaids only to be used for acute care when life is turned upside down or we are feeling anxious. By practicing, we are engaging in prevention and cultivating a lifestyle. We also increase our chances of reaching for a healthy tool rather than spiraling when we are overcome by stress, anxiety, or depression.
Pay attention
The excuse of time is a big one. Have you ever made a log of everything you do in one day? From the time you wake up to the time you fall asleep, there are so many hours. How are you spending them? How you spend your time is what you are practicing. And what you practice, you become good at. For example, if you are spending your time scrolling through social media, you will be really good at that. If you are spending your time cleaning and organizing your home, you will have a very clean and organized home. Heres the truth – if you really want to do something, you will find the time. It is about prioritizing and commitment.
Sometimes it is hard to commit and prioritize the things that we know will benefit ourselves first and foremost. What I mean by that is we are often more willing to do for others what we don’t do for ourselves. This is something that we have been conditioned to do by our upbringing and societal pressure, but it doesn’t make it right or healthy. When you prioritize yourself you give others permission to do the same. You also learn to look within yourself for what you need instead of relying on outside sources. In short, you learn to fill your own cup. When your cup is full you have more to give.
Yeah, I did that once
So, you tried to meditate once before and had trouble sitting still? Or you went to a yoga class and felt judged by the lady next to you and you never went back? We have all had experiences like these that left us feeling less than or we didn’t get the outcome we wanted. There’s that pesky perfectionism again. Just because you did something once and you didn’t like it or it didn’t work out the way you wanted is not a reason to throw in the towel. Adjust your expectations. Take a smaller bite. Try meditating for 3 minutes instead of 30. Try a different yoga studio with a different vibe.
Letting go of your attachment to a particular outcome or the way something “should” look will help you to be more mindful. Being mindful means to be attentive and aware to what is happening within and around you. Sitting with that reality and knowing that right now is not forever. This feels this way right now, today. Maybe tomorrow it will feel different.
Growing pains
In my late twenties I borrowed a Jillian Michaels exercise video from my mom. I know, laugh if you want – it’s pretty funny. She was all the rage in the fitness world and I was out of shape after having my first baby. I refused to go to the gym because I didn’t like being around other people who I was certain were looking at me with their judgmental eyes. Looking back I can see that I was deep in a cycle of unworthiness, comparison, and self-judgement. That is a blog post for another day.
Anyway, in the video (which was really hard by the way), she said “get comfortable with being uncomfortable”. She was encouraging all of us who were working out at home to not quit just because we felt some discomfort. It worked for me. She wasn’t saying to push through pain and injury, but she was saying that your brain wants to quit long before your body. That resonated with me and it still does.
I am much gentler with my exercise approach now and that has served me well over the years, but I still hear her voice sometimes in my head. Even during meditation sometimes, especially then, because everything is still and quiet, my brain wants to quit. I want to get out of the discomfort and avoid sitting in it. I want to lean into the distractions and the to-do list. Anything that keeps me from paying close attention to stillness or my breath or my body. Anything that helps me avoid sitting with the discomfort of the moment. But it is in the practice of staying and being with these moments of discomfort that I have experienced my biggest growth. It is not a failure that I had to keep redirecting my thoughts to my breath or to a part on my body over and over again. It means I am doing it. That is the practice.
Practice makes progress
Remember that your practice is your own. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to look like mine. You don’t need anything special to get started and there is never a “right” time to take the plunge. You have to find the balance between commitment and flexibility. Balance the ease and the effort. This takes trust and being in practice toward your goals will help you feel accomplished and hopeful. In this hopeful state you will be better prepared to take on the uncertainties of life. Why? Because you are well practiced.
<3 Stephanie
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Drink Your Greens… Happily
I have found that it is much easier to stay the course when I have started the day right than it is to course correct mid way through. Anyone else? You know those mornings when you keep hitting snooze, sleep your way right up until the last possible second and the day starts with you feeling rushed and chaotic? It sets the tone for the day. The same is true for what we put in our bodies first thing. The below recipe will help you to drink your greens, happily.
This is my favorite drink to make in the morning all year round. It is packed with goodness, lots of vitamin C, and promotes kidney and liver cleansing as well as hydration. I call it Happy Green Drink because it makes me feel, well, happy! Drink up!
Happy Green Drink
1 Ripe Banana
2 Oranges, peeled
1 half lemon, peeled
Several big handfuls of spinach
1 teaspoon of fresh ginger, I use the frozen ginger cubes from Trader Joe’s
1 Tablespoon of agave or maple syrup
6-10 ounces of water
Handful of ice
Put all of this into a high speed blender. The trick is to blend it for several minutes. The longer you blend it, the more all the pulpy stuff from the oranges and lemon get broken down.
This recipe makes two servings. Now go drink your greens happily!
More happiness awaits
Starting your day in a positive way will certainly help you to continue on that trajectory. In order to be happy we need to take care of all three aspects of our being – our bodies, thoughts, and souls. This happy green drink certainly helps with the body. For more on how to care for the other aspects of your being, click here.
<3 Stephanie
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My Own Story
Hello! My name is Stephanie and this is my blog. Here I will share about all things related to Well-Being. What it is, why it’s important, how to get more of it, and why it might be lacking. I will share my own story of growth in well-being and what it has meant for my life as well as provide space for others to share their own stories. And perhaps most importantly, I will work hard to build a community of support for you as you navigate your own path to well-being, happiness, and health. My vision is to be among those who are seeking something greater and looking to live with more satisfaction, to shine a light on the path forward and walk alongside them as they come to know themselves better. Everyone’s journey looks a little different and I am honored and humbled to be part of it. Let’s begin with a little background on me.
A Brief History
I have two children, W age 18 and L age 16. Like most mothers raising kids, my life is a balancing act and I am constantly learning, often the hard way, about what not to do. Parenting for me has not been an exercise in real time positive reinforcement — that has come in a delayed fashion. It involves trust that my hard work modeling my own behaviors and my efforts to pour love, kindness, and goodness into them has helped shape them into empathetic, caring people.
So much of my younger parenting days were spent in fight or flight mode largely because one of my children is on the autism spectrum. I dealt with inflexibility and tantrums on a daily basis. It was hard and humbling and often scary. I also dealt with incredible brilliance, creativity, and heart melting sweetness on a daily basis from the same kid. This made me want to be a better human every second of the day. I put my heart into loving both my kids and learning about what resources would be best for both of them. There was a lot of trial and error. Some days we celebrated great success, and some days were a total failure by 9:00am. I needed to learn how to take care of myself emotionally, mentally, and physically if I was going to keep up. More on that later.
Body Love
For me, taking care of my physical body is a no brainer. I discovered early on in my parenting journey that physical exertion gave me the release I needed to keep my temper in check and remain calm during extreme chaos. So I ran, walked, did yoga, martial arts, kickboxing, lifted weights, and eventually I landed on barre3. I also learned early on that in order to put out that much physical exertion I needed to fuel my body well. So, I researched and experimented. I found ways to fuel my body with a lot of fruits and vegetables. Eventually I discovered that I feel best when I don’t eat a lot of gluten, and ultimately I landed on a vegan diet, which I still enjoy today.
This progression happened over about 15 years and I honestly feel better in my body now than I did in my 30’s. Taking care of my body is just one aspect of good health and well-being and I came to realize that in all my working out, sweating, stretching, smoothie making, and salad eating something was missing. I also needed to take care of myself mentally.
Mind Love
I got married when I was 25 years old. My gut knew at the time that it likely wouldn’t work out. I even had a panic attack when I put on my dress. At the time, I didn’t understand what was going on and I chalked it up to “nerves”. I wanted to be married and I wanted to have a family. So I held on tight to the relationship I was in because it was all that I had. Regret is not something I have because my marriage gave me two wonderful children and plenty of lessons about myself. I spent a lot of time trying to conform myself into someone I wasn’t and the relationship was damaging. The details are unnecessary, but I will say that my insides were screaming that this wasn’t a healthy situation and I ignored that voice. For years.
Instead of hearing that inner knowing, I listened to the negative voice inside my head. The one that told me I wasn’t good enough or worthy of the kind of love and relationship I had always dreamed about. That voice was absolutely wrong, but I didn’t have the strength or the skills to know how to silence it and find the truth. This was not good for my health. All the vegetables, fruit, and exercise in the world can’t fix that. In order to handle that I had to take a look at the hard, harsh reality of my life choices. And I had to learn to do it without condemning myself.
That was really hard. I read books, I went to seminars about mindset, I listened to podcasts, I went to Al-Anon, and I went to therapy. Eventually I found the strength to love myself enough to move on from my marriage and create a life for myself that included self love and self respect. I did it for me as much as I did it for my family. No one in our family was happy, and we all deserved better.
Soul Love
Throughout my time where I was working on my mindset I kept hearing about a Well-Being coach training through Anthropedia that sounded interesting. For several years I kept emailing back and forth with the director and could never quite commit. I wanted to experience the personal renaissance they were talking about. Hadn’t I already experienced something like that? Perhaps, but I also knew there was more to be done. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Here I was living alone for the first time in 20 years. I had good habits around eating and taking care of my body. To help with mindset, I was journaling everyday and continuing to focus on positivity. I had also dipped my toe in the water of meditation, starting small at first and working my way into larger blocks of time.
What meditation did for my anxiety was incredible. I noticed that when I gave myself over to being still, I could actually hear myself clearly. I believe that is what led me to finally sink myself into the year long course in Well-Being and what gave me the push to become a coach. It was a culmination of years of searching for something greater than myself and born out of my lifelong desire to be of service to others.
New Beginnings
During my period of self discovery, living alone, I was working on loving myself and being my own best companion. I watched a lot of movies and wrote a lot of songs. I worked on being ok with silence in my normally busy home during those periods of time my kids were away at their Dad’s. Those were lonely, hard moments sometimes.
One night I mustered up some bravery to drive to the city alone to hear some music. I knew I would know people once I got there, but the act of going alone was a big deal for me. Somehow, the person I have been looking for my whole life was there too. We talked, he asked me out on a date, and he has been my best friend, partner, companion, and love ever since. Together we have 4 children and my life truly feels complete. I recognize that the love I have now is the love my soul told me I could have so long ago. I needed to have faith in that truth before I could find it. The work I have done on myself and my own growth in well-being has made me a better partner to Josh, a better mom to our kids, a better friend, daughter, sister, and aunt.
Knowing Myself
I continue to get to know myself better everyday. I have not reached the peak of well-being — no one living has. We keep climbing one step at a time, learning and growing as we climb. After many, many years of searching I have finally found something that combines all of my skills that I have collected throughout my life. Including my love for serving others and my passion to make a difference and do meaningful work. I hope that by sharing my own story of growth in well-being in my life, you are inspired to take the first or another step into your own story.
Everyone’s path to well-being is unique and the Anthropedia method of coaching may be a good fit for you. If you would like to learn more about how coaching can help you, I invite you to complete the contact form here and have a pre-session with me. During that session we will get to know each other better, talk specifically about the services I offer, and how they might help improve your overall well-being.
I couldn’t be more excited to walk alongside you.
<3,
Stephanie
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