All Is Well
Waiting is hard. No matter what you might be waiting for it’s tough. It requires patience, mindfulness, and hope. The tendency to worry, at least for me, is at an all time high when I am waiting for something. At the end of February I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had gone in for a routine mammogram on the 17th and was called back for additional imaging the next day. Ugh. I had been here before. Many times. I have small, dense breasts and that makes it hard to see what’s what sometimes. I tried not to worry as I waited for my appointment for diagnostic imaging. But I was worried. How many times can a person get called back before it is something to be concerned about?
The diagnostic imaging was rough. The appointment was long and a few minutes into it I knew they were looking hard at something that concerned them. I wanted to cry and I wanted to be hopeful. I laid there and did my breathing exercises wishing my husband could be in the room with me so I could look at his face and know I would be ok. He was in the waiting room and when they asked me if they should go get him before I met with the radiologist I knew. We held hands as the radiologist described a small mass that needed further investigation as well as a slightly enlarged lymph node under my arm. She never used the word cancer, but my insides were screaming at me. Fuck. I have cancer.
Good news/Bad News
A few days later as I laid there during the biopsy appointment, I kept myself calm by breathing. Slow, deliberate breaths. In and out, over and over again. It was long and uncomfortable. My mantra throughout that appointment and every appointment since has been this.
“All is well. Everything is working out according to my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am safe.” These words from Louise Hay have been a life line. I’ve said them so many times that I believe them with my whole being.
On the last day of February I got the call with the biopsy results. The bad news? Invasive ductal carcinoma. The good news? The biopsied lymph nodes showed no cancer. I was devastated and relieved all at once. We still had to wait for the biomarker pathology to come back. This information tells you if the cancer is positive or negative for estrogen and progesterone receptors and if it is positive or negative for the her2 protein. This determines how they treat the cancer, how aggressive it is, etc. Those were the longest 3 days of my life. Turns out that my cancer is estrogen and progesterone receptor positive and her2 negative which is favorable.
Healing begins now
The day after I found out I had breast cancer I had nothing to do. I had cleared my schedule of work as I was originally supposed to have my biopsy that day. They got me in sooner so here I was with a new diagnosis, nothing to keep me busy, and a head and heart full of worry and fear. I dropped my daughter off at work and drove myself to Origin Wellness. I didn’t know what else to do and I just wanted to be in a place that felt good, with people who felt safe. Origin is a special place for so many reasons.
When I was training to become a well-being coach through Anthropedia, Origin was under construction. This place would become the Anthropedia training center for new coaches as well as an inclusive sancutary for anyone looking to find balance in body, mind, and spirit. The pandemic made it impossible for the training center to be used for in person training once it was finished, but the spa became a safe haven for many, myself included. This is why I think it was an automatic response to drive myself there that day.
Let Go
As I was driving to Origin that day my thoughts turned to worry and fear about my future, my survival, and what I was going to face next for treatment. Also shame. How can I be a well-being coach and a nationally board certified health and wellness coach and have cancer? Aren’t I supposed to be a model for others? How did this happen? I eat a plant based diet, I take care of myself, I exercise….how can I have cancer? Inside my head I heard my own voice ask “why is this happening to me?” And then that smaller, more intuitive voice whispered back, “why not you?” It was in that moment that I stopped questioning and began my journey toward acceptance. The truth? I didn’t do anything to get cancer. It’s not my fault, there is no one to blame. It just happens. And it sucks, but it’s happening. Feeling totally overwhelmed, afraid, and swimming in anxiety, I kept telling myself, all is well, even when things are hard.
Gratefully, when I walked in the door and saw a familiar face, I felt a wave of relief come over me. That day and the weeks that followed, Origin was my place to go to prepare my body, mind, and soul for what was to come. I cannot tell you in words how impactful these treatments were for me. All I know is that I felt held, supported, nurtured, and cared for and I needed it desperately. I moved through the anger, fear, sadness, and worry and came out the other side empowered, strong, and ready for surgery.
Ingredients for healing
Healing from cancer is more than surgery and treatment. Those things are a very important part of the equation, but they aren’t the whole picture. I appreciate the doctors that have used their expertise and knowledge to make recommendations for treatments and the surgeons who performed my bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction. I am amazed by science and even more in awe of what my body can endure and heal from. Because of these procedures and my access to good healthcare, I no longer have breast cancer. I have some things yet to do in order to keep the cancer from coming back, but I am on my way.
Part of my recovery includes practices that appease my body in ways that are healing, restorative, and energizing. It’s these practices that lead to healing in my whole being; body, thought, and soul. Gratitude, meditation, restorative and detoxifying treatments at Origin, exercise, gardening, connection with people I love, eating well, expressing my feelings, releasing fear through crying, journaling, rest, writing songs, singing, dancing around the kitchen with my husband, laughter. These are all very important for healing. But, it isn’t enough to know this — these things have to be practiced. In other words, I have to actually do them in order to reap the benefits.
All Really Is Well
The blessings that have come from this diagnosis are plentiful. Everyday is a new opportunity to do something meaningful for myself and someone else. And I don’t always see that. Sometimes all I can see is the cancer diagnosis and the fear that is associated with it. In this state I am not able to see the gratitude, or feel hopeful, or even feel the love that surrounds me. What grounds me on those days? My body. I get into my body and I start to remember how strong and badass I am. Once again I get back in touch with the amazingness that is my body and my ability to heal. I recall the many ways I have overcome adversity, pain, and loss. The ways I have moved through and beyond fear and hopelessness. And then I hear those words again…. All is well.
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In My Solitude
Well, it finally happened. I got Covid. I don’t know why I’m surprised, it seems inevitable that I would get it eventually. Two years ago, when this pandemic started, I was so afraid of getting Covid. Everything was so uncertain and frankly, it still is, but I feel like maybe we know a *little* more now? Could be that we are just used to it – like it’s the “new normal”. Anyway, it’s been a weird week, but not all bad.
Last Wednesday when I couldn’t stop sneezing and there was still 6 inches of snow on the ground and it was warm enough to be spring, I found myself wondering “could this be allergies?” That was clearly wishful thinking, but I really didn’t feel bad. I just could not stop sneezing. Later in the afternoon I took Bowie for a walk and one side of my throat started hurting. I thought to myself, “the air is just really dry.” Again, 6 inches of snow on the ground, 58 degrees, water everywhere. It wasn’t until after dinner when I couldn’t get warm, even though it was still warm outside, and I wanted to go to sleep at 7:45 that I started to wonder, “could this be Covid?”
I tend to be a worrier. Some people (my husband, Josh and my mom) might call me a hypochondriac. It’s true that I don’t like to get sick. Who does? I’ve gotten better, though, I really have. More on that later. I got my answer 3 minutes after I completed the home Covid test kit. It reminded me of taking a pregnancy test. Watching the control line come into view, letting me know the test was working, and then slowly beginning to see the line appear that indicates positive. “Shit. I’m positive.”
Now what?
Josh and I had just shared a meal, we had just been snuggling on the couch, we had kissed each other not that long ago. His test was negative and mine was positive. After a brief discussion from opposite sides of the room it was decided that I would isolate in the bedroom for 5 days unless he developed symptoms. He would bring me everything I needed and it would be fine. It was all really pretty funny. Not 10 minutes before this we were all intertwined on the couch, me sneezing and trying to get warm under two blankets, while he was assuring me that I don’t have Covid. And now, we were making plans to stay as far away from each other as possible in our tiny house. We both expressed gratitude that the kids were at their respective parents house and had hopefully avoided exposure.
It all happened so fast. Most things like this do.
Isolation vs. Solitude
That first night was super weird. I missed Josh and I wondered how I would ever make it through the long days and nights alone. Thankfully, I didn’t feel horrible and I knew that I was going to be okay. I am vaccinated and boosted and I take good care of myself. I am so grateful that I didn’t suffer the way so many have suffered from this illness. While I can laugh at parts of my own story, I take this virus very seriously and feel a responsibility to do what I can to minimize the exposure of others. This includes wearing my mask, washing my hands, and now that I am postive, isolating.
The days that followed brought new physical symptoms, all mild, but enough to make me feel lousy at times. I felt well enough during the day to see most of my clients virtually and beyond that, I prioritized my own care. I meditate everyday and the word “surrender” kept coming up. Could I just let go and be with this? Yes, yes I could. It seems that for the last several years I have been preparing for times like these. This was once again a reminder that what you practice is what you become good at.
What I practiced
At the beginning of this year I declared that I wanted to read more. I’ve been doing that and I love it! Over the course of the last week, I read Pride & Prejudice, a book that I have always wanted to read. I cannot remember the last time I read for hours without the pressure of having to go to the store or make a meal or pick someone up from somewhere. It was bitterly cold outside and here I was snuggled under a blanket in my cozy bed reading for enjoyment.
On day two I watched a webinar hosted by my friend Julie Geeting at PALM Health called Strengthening Connections & Social Bonds . This really helped to shift my perspective. One of the highlights for me was the recognition of the difference between isolation and solitude. It was in that moment that I stopped telling myself that I was isolated here in my bedroom. I was in solitude, yes, but it was a good reminder that even when alone, I am deeply connected.
On day 3 and everyday since I rolled out my yoga mat and did some light stretches and meditation. I am a very active person and all this resting has made my body stiff and sore. Getting grounded in my body with movement and breath helps me to remember and know that I am strong and healthy. This is probably my biggest resource in managing my anxious thoughts.
I have played more guitar in the last week than I have in a long while. It feels good and it feeds that creative part of me that longs for more time and space to be an artist. My voice isn’t up to the task of singing and so I am taking this time to play and try new things.
These things I know
So today marks day 6 of my solitude and I am feeling much better. I still have lingering congestion, a little cough, and I feel more fatigued than usual, but I am okay. My anxiety has reared it’s ugly head at times and, thankfully, I have a lot of tools to navigate it. Reading, yoga, meditation, and playing guitar have occupied most of my time that I haven’t been working. I miss Josh and our kids. And yet, I know they are here with me always, even when I can’t hug, kiss, or be close to them.
I haven’t wanted for anything over this last week. Josh has been so attentive and loving. He has done every single thing I need and more. Everyday of the almost 6 years we have been together I have reflected on how lucky we both are to have found each other. We have our difficult moments sometimes, everyone does. And during this time spent alone I have made a pact with myself that I never want to take my time with him for granted. This forced slow down has highlighted for me all that I have to appreciate and everything for which I am grateful. As Ferris Bueller said so brilliantly, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.”
When things are hard there is an opportunity for growth. It’s uncomfortable, yes, but it also feels really good. Both things can be true. Sometimes I struggle with allowing for both of those truths. I want there to be a “right” answer or an antedote that makes everything better. What I keep realizing again and again is that sitting in the discomfort and letting go of expectations and control is the path to freedom.
This affirmation from Louise Hay really sums it up for me.
“All is well in my world. Everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am safe!”
In order to really believe these words, one has to let go.
What I take with me
My time in solitude has taught me something important. This is something that I keep learning again and again. Simply put, I have time for what I make time for. I found myself thinking this morning that I don’t want to stop enjoying time under the covers getting lost in a good book or playing my guitar regularly when I am no longer confined to my room. My yoga and meditation practice is solid because these are things I have prioritized every day. Reading and music are important to me, but have felt like indulgences, not non negotiables. But they don’t have to be.
I don’t have to wait until illness forces me to rest, slow down, and examine my priorities. Neither do you. So, my intention is to continue to value a little more time in solitude each day to prioritize these things that have kept me so nourished in mind and body throughout these last many days. It doesn’t take a lot of time each day, but it does take intention, commitment, and action.
Don’t get me wrong, I long for the freedom to move about my home without a mask, feeling energized enough to take a brisk long walk, getting my full vocal range back, and giving hugs and kisses freely to the ones I love the most. And I am also going to take with me the important lessons from my solitude so that I can be better as I do all the things I love with the people I love.
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