All Is Well

Waiting is hard. No matter what you might be waiting for it’s tough. It requires patience, mindfulness, and hope. The tendency to worry, at least for me, is at an all time high when I am waiting for something. At the end of February I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had gone in for a routine mammogram on the 17th and was called back for additional imaging the next day. Ugh. I had been here before. Many times. I have small, dense breasts and that makes it hard to see what’s what sometimes. I tried not to worry as I waited for my appointment for diagnostic imaging. But I was worried. How many times can a person get called back before it is something to be concerned about?

The diagnostic imaging was rough. The appointment was long and a few minutes into it I knew they were looking hard at something that concerned them. I wanted to cry and I wanted to be hopeful. I laid there and did my breathing exercises wishing my husband could be in the room with me so I could look at his face and know I would be ok. He was in the waiting room and when they asked me if they should go get him before I met with the radiologist I knew. We held hands as the radiologist described a small mass that needed further investigation as well as a slightly enlarged lymph node under my arm. She never used the word cancer, but my insides were screaming at me. Fuck. I have cancer.

Good news/Bad News

A few days later as I laid there during the biopsy appointment, I kept myself calm by breathing. Slow, deliberate breaths. In and out, over and over again. It was long and uncomfortable. My mantra throughout that appointment and every appointment since has been this.

“All is well. Everything is working out according to my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am safe.” These words from Louise Hay have been a life line. I’ve said them so many times that I believe them with my whole being.

On the last day of February I got the call with the biopsy results. The bad news? Invasive ductal carcinoma. The good news? The biopsied lymph nodes showed no cancer. I was devastated and relieved all at once. We still had to wait for the biomarker pathology to come back. This information tells you if the cancer is positive or negative for estrogen and progesterone receptors and if it is positive or negative for the her2 protein. This determines how they treat the cancer, how aggressive it is, etc. Those were the longest 3 days of my life. Turns out that my cancer is estrogen and progesterone receptor positive and her2 negative which is favorable.

Healing begins now

The day after I found out I had breast cancer I had nothing to do. I had cleared my schedule of work as I was originally supposed to have my biopsy that day. They got me in sooner so here I was with a new diagnosis, nothing to keep me busy, and a head and heart full of worry and fear. I dropped my daughter off at work and drove myself to Origin Wellness. I didn’t know what else to do and I just wanted to be in a place that felt good, with people who felt safe. Origin is a special place for so many reasons.

When I was training to become a well-being coach through Anthropedia, Origin was under construction. This place would become the Anthropedia training center for new coaches as well as an inclusive sancutary for anyone looking to find balance in body, mind, and spirit. The pandemic made it impossible for the training center to be used for in person training once it was finished, but the spa became a safe haven for many, myself included. This is why I think it was an automatic response to drive myself there that day.

Let Go

As I was driving to Origin that day my thoughts turned to worry and fear about my future, my survival, and what I was going to face next for treatment. Also shame. How can I be a well-being coach and a nationally board certified health and wellness coach and have cancer? Aren’t I supposed to be a model for others? How did this happen? I eat a plant based diet, I take care of myself, I exercise….how can I have cancer? Inside my head I heard my own voice ask “why is this happening to me?” And then that smaller, more intuitive voice whispered back, “why not you?” It was in that moment that I stopped questioning and began my journey toward acceptance. The truth? I didn’t do anything to get cancer. It’s not my fault, there is no one to blame. It just happens. And it sucks, but it’s happening. Feeling totally overwhelmed, afraid, and swimming in anxiety, I kept telling myself, all is well, even when things are hard.

Gratefully, when I walked in the door and saw a familiar face, I felt a wave of relief come over me. That day and the weeks that followed, Origin was my place to go to prepare my body, mind, and soul for what was to come. I cannot tell you in words how impactful these treatments were for me. All I know is that I felt held, supported, nurtured, and cared for and I needed it desperately. I moved through the anger, fear, sadness, and worry and came out the other side empowered, strong, and ready for surgery.

Ingredients for healing

Healing from cancer is more than surgery and treatment. Those things are a very important part of the equation, but they aren’t the whole picture. I appreciate the doctors that have used their expertise and knowledge to make recommendations for treatments and the surgeons who performed my bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction. I am amazed by science and even more in awe of what my body can endure and heal from. Because of these procedures and my access to good healthcare, I no longer have breast cancer. I have some things yet to do in order to keep the cancer from coming back, but I am on my way.

Part of my recovery includes practices that appease my body in ways that are healing, restorative, and energizing. It’s these practices that lead to healing in my whole being; body, thought, and soul. Gratitude, meditation, restorative and detoxifying treatments at Origin, exercise, gardening, connection with people I love, eating well, expressing my feelings, releasing fear through crying, journaling, rest, writing songs, singing, dancing around the kitchen with my husband, laughter. These are all very important for healing. But, it isn’t enough to know this — these things have to be practiced. In other words, I have to actually do them in order to reap the benefits.

All Really Is Well

The blessings that have come from this diagnosis are plentiful. Everyday is a new opportunity to do something meaningful for myself and someone else. And I don’t always see that. Sometimes all I can see is the cancer diagnosis and the fear that is associated with it. In this state I am not able to see the gratitude, or feel hopeful, or even feel the love that surrounds me. What grounds me on those days? My body. I get into my body and I start to remember how strong and badass I am. Once again I get back in touch with the amazingness that is my body and my ability to heal. I recall the many ways I have overcome adversity, pain, and loss. The ways I have moved through and beyond fear and hopelessness. And then I hear those words again…. All is well.

I Married My Best Friend

Yesterday I married my best friend. It was the most beautiful day rich with intimacy and love; family and friends; laughter and joy. We kept things really simple and focused our efforts on the details that really, really mattered to us. Among the most important is our commitment to each other and our family. Also the honest words we spoke to one another, the expression of music, and our closest friends. We feel so lucky to have stumbled upon each other at the exact right time and we feel so solid in our love and friendship. Our story is not just beginning and it is far from over, but this is certainly one of the sweetest chapters to write.

2020

This has been a hard year. 2020 has proven to be that way for everyone. For us, we have navigated job loss (mine), building a business (mine), virtual school (all four kids), and getting one kid settled in his first year of college. We continue to walk the delicate path of gender transition with one of our kids and learn how to be a better ally for her everyday. Like many people, we also feel pulled back by past events and traumas that occurred before we met which bring up anxiety and issues we have to work through again and again. It is unpleasant and painful and also necessary. Fortunately, we do all of this side by side, leaning into one another. We work hard to find a balance between work and play and model kindness, empathy, and love for our kids. 

Back to the Start

So, when we decided to have a much needed date night for the first time since March, like out in public, sitting outside and enjoying a meal, we decided to go to our very favorite place, Lona’s Lil Eats. This happens to be where Josh took me on our first date and we have managed to eat there several times a month for the last 4.5 years. They are only open for curbside take out, but have some lovely picnic tables outside. So, we ordered and enjoyed dinner al fresco as the sun went down. It was so nice and it felt like normal again.

As Josh was cleaning up the table, I was taking in the sights and sounds of the Fox Park neighborhood. I heard him behind me say that I had dropped something. When I turned around he was down on one knee with a beautiful ring in his hand. We had been talking about getting married and I thought we would just decide one day and that would be that. This was such a welcome, sweet surprise.

All You Need is Love

Before the ring, we had talked about taking a trip sometime and just getting married. But, I was torn. Family is important to me. My parents, my sisters, our kids…I wanted them all to be part of our special day, whenever that was going to be. I kept saying that I could elope, but Josh knew better. He kept insisting that I would regret not having a few really special people there. He was right.

Planning a wedding seems like a lot. But as it turns out, all you really need is love. Love comes in many forms. For us, love showed up as really, really great friends who lended their time and talent to our day. Also loving family members who always remember that we support, accept, and love each other no matter what. And perhaps, most importantly, love came to me in the form of an amazing man who accepts me and all that I bring to the table without exception or question. I married my best friend and I am so happy.

Things Fall Into Place

When you keep things simple, have great friends and family, as we did and do, things fall into place. My best friend is an amazing photographer and creative human being. Thanks to her, we have a beautiful collection of memories to cherish for the rest of our lives. Because of  Heidi, I will never forget the magic of this day. The light, the colors, the heart, soul, and love are all present in her photos. She is a gift.

Another great friend became ordained to marry us. She is a long time friend of Josh’s and a newer friend of mine. She put so much thought and intention behind every word she spoke. It was incredible and intimate and felt effortless.

We were on the receiving end of so much generosity and love yesterday. We had friends come and play soft, sweet music so we could have a first dance right after we said “I do”. And we were gifted an abundance of flowers and greens from a local home garden that we used to create bouquets for our daughters and niece, as well as decorate tables and the trellis that Josh made for our backdrop.

Making Magic

As the sun was setting, my Dad took my arm and walked me toward my love. As we walked we smiled through a few tears as we shared a moment where no words were really needed. I felt the warmth of Josh, our kids, our extended family and our friends as we spoke honest words and committed ourselves wholeheartedly and happily. It was pure magic the way I felt. The energy was incredible and it was honestly what every single person there needed. Connection, community, and love. I am so grateful.

Afterwards we gathered outdoors for a chilly picnic. We celebrated our union and were able to connect personally with everyone who was present with us. At one point I stepped back and took it all in. What I saw was resiliency, love, community, and healing. It was exactly what I had envisioned and everything I hoped for.

Moving Forward

All the challenges that 2020 has brought are still here. We are still dealing with a pandemic, still navigating virtual school and still feeling the challenges of all the uncertainty. And yet, we are better equipped to deal with it because we took time for gratitude, expressed love, looked toward our future with hope, and listened to our intuition that now was the perfect time to do it all.

Our little family needed a boost of goodness and connection. We got what we needed to fortify ourselves and now we continue on with renewed strength and happiness. I wish the same for you!

<3

Stephanie