All Is Well

Waiting is hard. No matter what you might be waiting for it’s tough. It requires patience, mindfulness, and hope. The tendency to worry, at least for me, is at an all time high when I am waiting for something. At the end of February I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had gone in for a routine mammogram on the 17th and was called back for additional imaging the next day. Ugh. I had been here before. Many times. I have small, dense breasts and that makes it hard to see what’s what sometimes. I tried not to worry as I waited for my appointment for diagnostic imaging. But I was worried. How many times can a person get called back before it is something to be concerned about?

The diagnostic imaging was rough. The appointment was long and a few minutes into it I knew they were looking hard at something that concerned them. I wanted to cry and I wanted to be hopeful. I laid there and did my breathing exercises wishing my husband could be in the room with me so I could look at his face and know I would be ok. He was in the waiting room and when they asked me if they should go get him before I met with the radiologist I knew. We held hands as the radiologist described a small mass that needed further investigation as well as a slightly enlarged lymph node under my arm. She never used the word cancer, but my insides were screaming at me. Fuck. I have cancer.

Good news/Bad News

A few days later as I laid there during the biopsy appointment, I kept myself calm by breathing. Slow, deliberate breaths. In and out, over and over again. It was long and uncomfortable. My mantra throughout that appointment and every appointment since has been this.

“All is well. Everything is working out according to my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am safe.” These words from Louise Hay have been a life line. I’ve said them so many times that I believe them with my whole being.

On the last day of February I got the call with the biopsy results. The bad news? Invasive ductal carcinoma. The good news? The biopsied lymph nodes showed no cancer. I was devastated and relieved all at once. We still had to wait for the biomarker pathology to come back. This information tells you if the cancer is positive or negative for estrogen and progesterone receptors and if it is positive or negative for the her2 protein. This determines how they treat the cancer, how aggressive it is, etc. Those were the longest 3 days of my life. Turns out that my cancer is estrogen and progesterone receptor positive and her2 negative which is favorable.

Healing begins now

The day after I found out I had breast cancer I had nothing to do. I had cleared my schedule of work as I was originally supposed to have my biopsy that day. They got me in sooner so here I was with a new diagnosis, nothing to keep me busy, and a head and heart full of worry and fear. I dropped my daughter off at work and drove myself to Origin Wellness. I didn’t know what else to do and I just wanted to be in a place that felt good, with people who felt safe. Origin is a special place for so many reasons.

When I was training to become a well-being coach through Anthropedia, Origin was under construction. This place would become the Anthropedia training center for new coaches as well as an inclusive sancutary for anyone looking to find balance in body, mind, and spirit. The pandemic made it impossible for the training center to be used for in person training once it was finished, but the spa became a safe haven for many, myself included. This is why I think it was an automatic response to drive myself there that day.

Let Go

As I was driving to Origin that day my thoughts turned to worry and fear about my future, my survival, and what I was going to face next for treatment. Also shame. How can I be a well-being coach and a nationally board certified health and wellness coach and have cancer? Aren’t I supposed to be a model for others? How did this happen? I eat a plant based diet, I take care of myself, I exercise….how can I have cancer? Inside my head I heard my own voice ask “why is this happening to me?” And then that smaller, more intuitive voice whispered back, “why not you?” It was in that moment that I stopped questioning and began my journey toward acceptance. The truth? I didn’t do anything to get cancer. It’s not my fault, there is no one to blame. It just happens. And it sucks, but it’s happening. Feeling totally overwhelmed, afraid, and swimming in anxiety, I kept telling myself, all is well, even when things are hard.

Gratefully, when I walked in the door and saw a familiar face, I felt a wave of relief come over me. That day and the weeks that followed, Origin was my place to go to prepare my body, mind, and soul for what was to come. I cannot tell you in words how impactful these treatments were for me. All I know is that I felt held, supported, nurtured, and cared for and I needed it desperately. I moved through the anger, fear, sadness, and worry and came out the other side empowered, strong, and ready for surgery.

Ingredients for healing

Healing from cancer is more than surgery and treatment. Those things are a very important part of the equation, but they aren’t the whole picture. I appreciate the doctors that have used their expertise and knowledge to make recommendations for treatments and the surgeons who performed my bi-lateral mastectomy and reconstruction. I am amazed by science and even more in awe of what my body can endure and heal from. Because of these procedures and my access to good healthcare, I no longer have breast cancer. I have some things yet to do in order to keep the cancer from coming back, but I am on my way.

Part of my recovery includes practices that appease my body in ways that are healing, restorative, and energizing. It’s these practices that lead to healing in my whole being; body, thought, and soul. Gratitude, meditation, restorative and detoxifying treatments at Origin, exercise, gardening, connection with people I love, eating well, expressing my feelings, releasing fear through crying, journaling, rest, writing songs, singing, dancing around the kitchen with my husband, laughter. These are all very important for healing. But, it isn’t enough to know this — these things have to be practiced. In other words, I have to actually do them in order to reap the benefits.

All Really Is Well

The blessings that have come from this diagnosis are plentiful. Everyday is a new opportunity to do something meaningful for myself and someone else. And I don’t always see that. Sometimes all I can see is the cancer diagnosis and the fear that is associated with it. In this state I am not able to see the gratitude, or feel hopeful, or even feel the love that surrounds me. What grounds me on those days? My body. I get into my body and I start to remember how strong and badass I am. Once again I get back in touch with the amazingness that is my body and my ability to heal. I recall the many ways I have overcome adversity, pain, and loss. The ways I have moved through and beyond fear and hopelessness. And then I hear those words again…. All is well.

In My Solitude

Well, it finally happened. I got Covid. I don’t know why I’m surprised, it seems inevitable that I would get it eventually. Two years ago, when this pandemic started, I was so afraid of getting Covid. Everything was so uncertain and frankly, it still is, but I feel like maybe we know a *little* more now? Could be that we are just used to it – like it’s the “new normal”. Anyway, it’s been a weird week, but not all bad.

Last Wednesday when I couldn’t stop sneezing and there was still 6 inches of snow on the ground and it was warm enough to be spring, I found myself wondering “could this be allergies?” That was clearly wishful thinking, but I really didn’t feel bad. I just could not stop sneezing. Later in the afternoon I took Bowie for a walk and one side of my throat started hurting. I thought to myself, “the air is just really dry.” Again, 6 inches of snow on the ground, 58 degrees, water everywhere. It wasn’t until after dinner when I couldn’t get warm, even though it was still warm outside, and I wanted to go to sleep at 7:45 that I started to wonder, “could this be Covid?”

I tend to be a worrier. Some people (my husband, Josh and my mom) might call me a hypochondriac. It’s true that I don’t like to get sick. Who does? I’ve gotten better, though, I really have. More on that later.  I got my answer 3 minutes after I completed the home Covid test kit. It reminded me of taking a pregnancy test. Watching the control line come into view, letting me know the test was working, and then slowly beginning to see the line appear that indicates positive. “Shit. I’m positive.”

Now what?

Josh and I had just shared a meal, we had just been snuggling on the couch, we had kissed each other not that long ago. His test was negative and mine was positive. After a brief discussion from opposite sides of the room it was decided that I would isolate in the bedroom for 5 days unless he developed symptoms. He would bring me everything I needed and it would be fine. It was all really pretty funny. Not 10 minutes before this we were all intertwined on the couch, me sneezing and trying to get warm under two blankets, while he was assuring me that I don’t have Covid. And now, we were making plans to stay as far away from each other as possible in our tiny house. We both expressed gratitude that the kids were at their respective parents house and had hopefully avoided exposure.

It all happened so fast. Most things like this do.

Isolation vs. Solitude

That first night was super weird. I missed Josh and I wondered how I would ever make it through the long days and nights alone. Thankfully, I didn’t feel horrible and I knew that I was going to be okay. I am vaccinated and boosted and I take good care of myself. I am so grateful that I didn’t suffer the way so many have suffered from this illness. While I can laugh at parts of my own story, I take this virus very seriously and feel a responsibility to do what I can to minimize the exposure of others. This includes wearing my mask, washing my hands, and now that I am postive, isolating.

The days that followed brought new physical symptoms, all mild, but enough to make me feel lousy at times. I felt well enough during the day to see most of my clients virtually and beyond that, I prioritized my own care. I meditate everyday and the word “surrender” kept coming up. Could I just let go and be with this? Yes, yes I could. It seems that for the last several years I have been preparing for times like these. This was once again a reminder that what you practice is what you become good at.

What I practiced

At the beginning of this year I declared that I wanted to read more. I’ve been doing that and I love it! Over the course of the last week, I read Pride & Prejudice, a book that I have always wanted to read. I cannot remember the last time I read for hours without the pressure of having to go to the store or make a meal or pick someone up from somewhere. It was bitterly cold outside and here I was snuggled under a blanket in my cozy bed reading for enjoyment.

On day two I watched a webinar hosted by my friend Julie Geeting at PALM Health called Strengthening Connections & Social Bonds . This really helped to shift my perspective. One of the highlights for me was the recognition of the difference between isolation and solitude. It was in that moment that I stopped telling myself that I was isolated here in my bedroom. I was in solitude, yes, but it was a good reminder that even when alone, I am deeply connected.

On day 3 and everyday since I rolled out my yoga mat and did some light stretches and meditation. I am a very active person and all this resting has made my body stiff and sore. Getting grounded in my body with movement and breath helps me to remember and know that I am strong and healthy. This is probably my biggest resource in managing my anxious thoughts.

I have played more guitar in the last week than I have in a long while. It feels good and it feeds that creative part of me that longs for more time and space to be an artist. My voice isn’t up to the task of singing and so I am taking this time to play and try new things.

These things I know

So today marks day 6 of my solitude and I am feeling much better. I still have lingering congestion, a little cough, and I feel more fatigued than usual, but I am okay. My anxiety has reared it’s ugly head at times and, thankfully, I have a lot of tools to navigate it. Reading, yoga, meditation, and playing guitar have occupied most of my time that I haven’t been working. I miss Josh and our kids. And yet, I know they are here with me always, even when I can’t hug, kiss, or be close to them.

I haven’t wanted for anything over this last week. Josh has been so attentive and loving. He has done every single thing I need and more. Everyday of the almost 6 years we have been together I have reflected on how lucky we both are to have found each other. We have our difficult moments sometimes, everyone does. And during this time spent alone I have made a pact with myself that I never want to take my time with him for granted. This forced slow down has highlighted for me all that I have to appreciate and everything for which I am grateful. As Ferris Bueller said so brilliantly, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.”

When things are hard there is an opportunity for growth. It’s uncomfortable, yes, but it also feels really good. Both things can be true. Sometimes I struggle with allowing for both of those truths. I want there to be a “right” answer or an antedote that makes everything better. What I keep realizing again and again is that sitting in the discomfort and letting go of expectations and control is the path to freedom.

This affirmation from Louise Hay really sums it up for me.

“All is well in my world. Everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am safe!”

In order to really believe these words, one has to let go.

What I take with me

My time in solitude has taught me something important. This is something that I keep learning again and again. Simply put, I have time for what I make time for. I found myself thinking this morning that I don’t want to stop enjoying time under the covers getting lost in a good book or playing my guitar regularly when I am no longer confined to my room. My yoga and meditation practice is solid because these are things I have prioritized every day. Reading and music are important to me, but have felt like indulgences, not non negotiables. But they don’t have to be.

I don’t have to wait until illness forces me to rest, slow down, and examine my priorities. Neither do you. So, my intention is to continue to value a little more time in solitude each day to prioritize these things that have kept me so nourished in mind and body throughout these last many days. It doesn’t take a lot of time each day, but it does take intention, commitment, and action.

Don’t get me wrong, I long for the freedom to move about my home without a mask, feeling energized enough to take a brisk long walk, getting my full vocal range back, and giving hugs and kisses freely to the ones I love the most. And I am also going to take with me the important lessons from my solitude so that I can be better as I do all the things I love with the people I love.

On Being In Practice

I’ve been talking a lot with clients lately on what it means to be “in practice”. There seems to be a disconnect in what we tell ourselves about practicing something that implies that at some point we become the expert. And that in this expert state we no longer need to practice. This isn’t true. While we get better and may even achieve “expert status”, we still have to keep up with our skills. After all, if we don’t use them, we lose them.

Most of us accept this truth when it comes to learning a new skill like playing an instrument. Obviously we need to study and practice in order to learn. And once we learn to play the instrument we need to continue playing it from time to time in order to maintain our skill. If we want to continue to get better, we need to practice even more. Why then is it so hard to accept this about things we do to improve our overall well-being? We make excuses like I’m not good at this or I don’t have time or I tried that once and it didn’t work or it made me uncomfortable. This is something worth exploring if we want to understand ourselves and effect lasting change.

Let go of perfection

The judgement and criticism that we subject ourselves to is the first thing we need to address. No one gets better at anything or even tries to step outside their comfort zone if they they doubt their own worthiness for success. That voice inside your head that questions your ability or your worth? It has to be identified and redirected. In a shame cycle, you aren’t very useful to yourself. Take the instrument metaphor. If you expect, right out of the gate, to be an excellent guitar player and this is the first time you are holding a guitar, you will be very disappointed. You might even give up before you really get started. We have to meet ourselves where we are and give grace to our inadequacies and imperfections. This comes from awareness and acceptance.

When I am talking with my clients about being in practice with mediation, yoga, getting into their body or eating healthy food, I am always encouraging them to develop a practice even when they are feeling good. I do this because these things aren’t bandaids only to be used for acute care when life is turned upside down or we are feeling anxious. By practicing, we are engaging in prevention and cultivating a lifestyle. We also increase our chances of reaching for a healthy tool rather than spiraling when we are overcome by stress, anxiety, or depression.

Pay attention

The excuse of time is a big one. Have you ever made a log of everything you do in one day? From the time you wake up to the time you fall asleep, there are so many hours. How are you spending them? How you spend your time is what you are practicing. And what you practice, you become good at. For example, if you are spending your time scrolling through social media, you will be really good at that. If you are spending your time cleaning and organizing your home, you will have a very clean and organized home. Heres the truth – if you really want to do something, you will find the time. It is about prioritizing and commitment.

Sometimes it is hard to commit and prioritize the things that we know will benefit ourselves first and foremost. What I mean by that is we are often more willing to do for others what we don’t do for ourselves. This is something that we have been conditioned to do by our upbringing and societal pressure, but it doesn’t make it right or healthy. When you prioritize yourself you give others permission to do the same. You also learn to look within yourself for what you need instead of relying on outside sources. In short, you learn to fill your own cup. When your cup is full you have more to give.

Yeah, I did that once

So, you tried to meditate once before and had trouble sitting still? Or you went to a yoga class and felt judged by the lady next to you and you never went back? We have all had experiences like these that left us feeling less than or we didn’t get the outcome we wanted. There’s that pesky perfectionism again. Just because you did something once and you didn’t like it or it didn’t work out the way you wanted is not a reason to throw in the towel. Adjust your expectations. Take a smaller bite. Try meditating for 3 minutes instead of 30. Try a different yoga studio with a different vibe.

Letting go of your attachment to a particular outcome or the way something “should” look will help you to be more mindful. Being mindful means to be attentive and aware to what is happening within and around you. Sitting with that reality and knowing that right now is not forever. This feels this way right now, today. Maybe tomorrow it will feel different.

Growing pains

In my late twenties I borrowed a Jillian Michaels exercise video from my mom. I know, laugh if you want – it’s pretty funny. She was all the rage in the fitness world and I was out of shape after having my first baby. I refused to go to the gym because I didn’t like being around other people who I was certain were looking at me with their judgmental eyes. Looking back I can see that I was deep in a cycle of unworthiness, comparison, and self-judgement. That is a blog post for another day.

Anyway, in the video (which was really hard by the way), she said “get comfortable with being uncomfortable”.  She was encouraging all of us who were working out at home to not quit just because we felt some discomfort. It worked for me. She wasn’t saying to push through pain and injury, but she was saying that your brain wants to quit long before your body. That resonated with me and it still does.

I am much gentler with my exercise approach now and that has served me well over the years, but I still hear her voice sometimes in my head. Even during meditation sometimes, especially then, because everything is still and quiet, my brain wants to quit. I want to get out of the discomfort and avoid sitting in it. I want to lean into the distractions and the to-do list. Anything that keeps me from paying close attention to stillness or my breath or my body. Anything that helps me avoid sitting with the discomfort of the moment. But it is in the practice of staying and being with these moments of discomfort that I have experienced my biggest growth. It is not a failure that I had to keep redirecting my thoughts to my breath or to a part on my body over and over again. It means I am doing it. That is the practice.

Practice makes progress

Remember that your practice is your own. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to look like mine. You don’t need anything special to get started and there is never a “right” time to take the plunge. You have to find the balance between commitment and flexibility. Balance the ease and the effort. This takes trust and being in practice toward your goals will help you feel accomplished and hopeful. In this hopeful state you will be better prepared to take on the uncertainties of life. Why? Because you are well practiced.

<3 Stephanie

I Married My Best Friend

Yesterday I married my best friend. It was the most beautiful day rich with intimacy and love; family and friends; laughter and joy. We kept things really simple and focused our efforts on the details that really, really mattered to us. Among the most important is our commitment to each other and our family. Also the honest words we spoke to one another, the expression of music, and our closest friends. We feel so lucky to have stumbled upon each other at the exact right time and we feel so solid in our love and friendship. Our story is not just beginning and it is far from over, but this is certainly one of the sweetest chapters to write.

2020

This has been a hard year. 2020 has proven to be that way for everyone. For us, we have navigated job loss (mine), building a business (mine), virtual school (all four kids), and getting one kid settled in his first year of college. We continue to walk the delicate path of gender transition with one of our kids and learn how to be a better ally for her everyday. Like many people, we also feel pulled back by past events and traumas that occurred before we met which bring up anxiety and issues we have to work through again and again. It is unpleasant and painful and also necessary. Fortunately, we do all of this side by side, leaning into one another. We work hard to find a balance between work and play and model kindness, empathy, and love for our kids. 

Back to the Start

So, when we decided to have a much needed date night for the first time since March, like out in public, sitting outside and enjoying a meal, we decided to go to our very favorite place, Lona’s Lil Eats. This happens to be where Josh took me on our first date and we have managed to eat there several times a month for the last 4.5 years. They are only open for curbside take out, but have some lovely picnic tables outside. So, we ordered and enjoyed dinner al fresco as the sun went down. It was so nice and it felt like normal again.

As Josh was cleaning up the table, I was taking in the sights and sounds of the Fox Park neighborhood. I heard him behind me say that I had dropped something. When I turned around he was down on one knee with a beautiful ring in his hand. We had been talking about getting married and I thought we would just decide one day and that would be that. This was such a welcome, sweet surprise.

All You Need is Love

Before the ring, we had talked about taking a trip sometime and just getting married. But, I was torn. Family is important to me. My parents, my sisters, our kids…I wanted them all to be part of our special day, whenever that was going to be. I kept saying that I could elope, but Josh knew better. He kept insisting that I would regret not having a few really special people there. He was right.

Planning a wedding seems like a lot. But as it turns out, all you really need is love. Love comes in many forms. For us, love showed up as really, really great friends who lended their time and talent to our day. Also loving family members who always remember that we support, accept, and love each other no matter what. And perhaps, most importantly, love came to me in the form of an amazing man who accepts me and all that I bring to the table without exception or question. I married my best friend and I am so happy.

Things Fall Into Place

When you keep things simple, have great friends and family, as we did and do, things fall into place. My best friend is an amazing photographer and creative human being. Thanks to her, we have a beautiful collection of memories to cherish for the rest of our lives. Because of  Heidi, I will never forget the magic of this day. The light, the colors, the heart, soul, and love are all present in her photos. She is a gift.

Another great friend became ordained to marry us. She is a long time friend of Josh’s and a newer friend of mine. She put so much thought and intention behind every word she spoke. It was incredible and intimate and felt effortless.

We were on the receiving end of so much generosity and love yesterday. We had friends come and play soft, sweet music so we could have a first dance right after we said “I do”. And we were gifted an abundance of flowers and greens from a local home garden that we used to create bouquets for our daughters and niece, as well as decorate tables and the trellis that Josh made for our backdrop.

Making Magic

As the sun was setting, my Dad took my arm and walked me toward my love. As we walked we smiled through a few tears as we shared a moment where no words were really needed. I felt the warmth of Josh, our kids, our extended family and our friends as we spoke honest words and committed ourselves wholeheartedly and happily. It was pure magic the way I felt. The energy was incredible and it was honestly what every single person there needed. Connection, community, and love. I am so grateful.

Afterwards we gathered outdoors for a chilly picnic. We celebrated our union and were able to connect personally with everyone who was present with us. At one point I stepped back and took it all in. What I saw was resiliency, love, community, and healing. It was exactly what I had envisioned and everything I hoped for.

Moving Forward

All the challenges that 2020 has brought are still here. We are still dealing with a pandemic, still navigating virtual school and still feeling the challenges of all the uncertainty. And yet, we are better equipped to deal with it because we took time for gratitude, expressed love, looked toward our future with hope, and listened to our intuition that now was the perfect time to do it all.

Our little family needed a boost of goodness and connection. We got what we needed to fortify ourselves and now we continue on with renewed strength and happiness. I wish the same for you!

<3

Stephanie

Letting Go Skills So You Can Feel Better

There is a common misconception that letting go means pushing away thoughts, feelings, and emotions and wearing a brave face. This fake it until you make it approach only gets you so far. It’s true that sometimes shifting your perspective takes the simplicity of smiling and attempting to be happy. But what about those times when that isn’t enough? If we are to really learn how to cultivate happiness and resilience we have to fill our tool box with letting go skills. These skills help with change. They are indispensable to those of us on a quest to live our best lives. In times of uncertainty these skills and tools will no doubt get a workout.

In order to start building our letting go skills, we must first understand what letting go means and how it helps us to grow. Once we are clear on that we will dive into best practices that you can implement now to begin your practice of letting go. Let’s get started.

What is letting go?

Letting go means to move through the struggle and emotion in order to get calm. It means to release the habit of blaming everyone else for our problems, and resisting the urge to argue and fight with the people around us and ourselves. Accepting reality, even when it doesn’t feel good, is an important part of building letting go skills. When we fight, blame, and struggle with others it creates resistance within us. This leads to inner struggle. If that struggle is too great and we don’t have adequate letting go skills we feel hopeless. Unfortunately, this cycle is on repeat for many people.

What can you do about it? First and foremost, stop judging your feelings. Acknowledge your own emotions, thoughts, and feelings with the same love you would for a friend. Chances are, you are the type of person who comforts a friend that is hurting readily. You likely don’t judge them and have a desire to help. Channel that same love and helpfulness toward yourself. This means noticing how you are feeling without judgement. This is tricky for a lot of people, but the first of many letting go skills we will discuss.

Practicing Self Acceptance

Most of us do not spend much time really understanding who we are and why we respond or react to things the way we do. We often create judgments about ourselves and use outdated habits to manage our feelings. This can look a lot like using numbing tactics just to get through something that feels uncomfortable. As you might suspect, this leads to that cycle of struggle that we touched on in the previous paragraph.

Working with a well-being coach helps you grow in awareness of yourself; who you are, your habits, and your personality so that you can work more specifically on the areas that need growth. This type of growth takes time and practice and will ultimately lead you in the direction of self acceptance and living happier more of the time. If you are interested in working one on one with me in developing letting go skills, click here to get started.

Set Goals

Most of us are familiar with the good feeling that comes when we set a goal and are successful in reaching it. This gives us a sense of accomplishment and sets us up for feeling hopeful. Taking action on a goal successfully requires us to be thoughtful about what we are trying to achieve. To create more hope in your life, try setting a series of small, attainable goals that you can work toward on a daily basis.

To begin, make a list of things you would like to do today. This is a familiar “to do” list. We have all made them and we know the disappointment that comes from not crossing everything off the list. For this list, the goal is to check everything off. So, with intention, make a list of things you know you can and would like to accomplish today. Put at least one thing on the list that is part of another larger goal. In order to choose that one thing we need to do some work on a larger goal or goals.

I suggest making another action list or two for longer term goals. These could be self care related, health related, anything you choose.  To make these lists, write down all that you can think of  to do in order to take action on, for example, self care. Meditation for 10 minutes, take a 30 minute walk, read a book for 30 minutes, take a bath, stretch for 15 minutes before bed, etc. Anything that falls into self care that you are not already doing should go on this list. Then, pick one of these things and commit fully to doing it.

At the end of the day, notice how you feel. More than likely, you feel accomplished and a little happier. This is hopeful. Keep doing this each day with intention and notice how your sense of hope grows.

Surrender Control

We cannot control everything. We try our best though, don’t we? Here is some hard truth that is worth writing down and posting where you can see it all the time.

The only thing you are in control of is you.

That’s it. The sooner you learn how to surrender to the idea that you cannot control other people or every circumstance or how people react to you or how people see you or the weather or anything else for that matter, the better. You don’t have to like the circumstances or the choices other people make or the weather, but you cannot control it. Your feelings are valid and it’s healthy to acknowledge them and feel them. Then, come back to the truth of what you can control and take action there.

Holding sand

There is so much freedom in this letting go skill of surrender. It frees you up to give thought space to things that you can control. It actually allows you to hold on to more. Here is what I mean by that. Imagine yourself on a sandy beach. Scoop up a big handful of dry, fine sand. Squeeze your hand into a fist. How much sand remains in your hand? Not much. Most of it spills out the sides. Now do it again, but this time leave your hand open like a cup for the sand. You are able to hold more with less effort. This is the art of letting go and being gentle.

You know that by holding on too tight sand will slip through the cracks and your hand will be tired. This same concept applies to our relationships with others as well as with ourselves. When we struggle with someone else because we are trying to get them to change or we feel like blaming them for how we are feeling, we become tense, stressed, and are holding on for dear life. The same is true when we struggle with something about ourselves we wish to change. Here is what you can do instead. Recognize your emotions, surrender the things you cannot control, and work on bringing yourself into a calm state by holding only what you know you can.

In doing this, you create a positive shift for yourself. This has a calming effect on the entire situation and actually gives the other person permission to do the same. This is the most important of all the letting go skills. It requires practice, and it won’t be perfect. Being aware and setting an intention to let go of struggle is the first step. When you find yourself in a challenging situation, remember the sand.

Easy Does It

When we are doing hard things it’s important to be reflective on the wins we experience. Doing this work of letting go is challenging and when we are successful it’s worth acknowledging, even celebrating. So, make sure that you are giving yourself plenty of positive feedback for your hard work. To remember to do this, try the following.

At the end of each day reflect on each aspect of your day; morning, mid-day, and evening. For each aspect of the day, write down at least one thing that you did really well. These can be things that moved you toward a goal, taking a pause instead of reacting, walking away from a struggle, resisting the urge to try and control something you can’t control, etc. Do this practice for several weeks. Doing this daily practice, strengthens the intention to keep going and helps us find the ease in the effort of letting go.

In addition, it is helpful to get into the habit of contributing to a daily gratitude journal. This works on keeping us hopeful. You can read more about how to do this here.

Give Grace and Permission

I will leave you today with one more recommendation. In his book, Permission to Feel, Marc Brackett, Ph.D., talks about the power of emotions and how understanding and growing your emotional intelligence is so important for well-being. Feeding yourself knowledge about how to understand your emotions and even get to the root cause of the emotion is important and another good tool in your letting go skills toolbox.

Reading this book alone does not create lasting change, but it will give you some great nuggets for growth. Most importantly, this book acts as a permission slip to feel all the feelings. Right now, we are all on a rollercoaster of emotional ups and downs collectively. Let us be gentle with ourselves and each other and give grace freely.

<3

Stephanie