In My Solitude
Well, it finally happened. I got Covid. I don’t know why I’m surprised, it seems inevitable that I would get it eventually. Two years ago, when this pandemic started, I was so afraid of getting Covid. Everything was so uncertain and frankly, it still is, but I feel like maybe we know a *little* more now? Could be that we are just used to it – like it’s the “new normal”. Anyway, it’s been a weird week, but not all bad.
Last Wednesday when I couldn’t stop sneezing and there was still 6 inches of snow on the ground and it was warm enough to be spring, I found myself wondering “could this be allergies?” That was clearly wishful thinking, but I really didn’t feel bad. I just could not stop sneezing. Later in the afternoon I took Bowie for a walk and one side of my throat started hurting. I thought to myself, “the air is just really dry.” Again, 6 inches of snow on the ground, 58 degrees, water everywhere. It wasn’t until after dinner when I couldn’t get warm, even though it was still warm outside, and I wanted to go to sleep at 7:45 that I started to wonder, “could this be Covid?”
I tend to be a worrier. Some people (my husband, Josh and my mom) might call me a hypochondriac. It’s true that I don’t like to get sick. Who does? I’ve gotten better, though, I really have. More on that later. I got my answer 3 minutes after I completed the home Covid test kit. It reminded me of taking a pregnancy test. Watching the control line come into view, letting me know the test was working, and then slowly beginning to see the line appear that indicates positive. “Shit. I’m positive.”
Now what?
Josh and I had just shared a meal, we had just been snuggling on the couch, we had kissed each other not that long ago. His test was negative and mine was positive. After a brief discussion from opposite sides of the room it was decided that I would isolate in the bedroom for 5 days unless he developed symptoms. He would bring me everything I needed and it would be fine. It was all really pretty funny. Not 10 minutes before this we were all intertwined on the couch, me sneezing and trying to get warm under two blankets, while he was assuring me that I don’t have Covid. And now, we were making plans to stay as far away from each other as possible in our tiny house. We both expressed gratitude that the kids were at their respective parents house and had hopefully avoided exposure.
It all happened so fast. Most things like this do.
Isolation vs. Solitude
That first night was super weird. I missed Josh and I wondered how I would ever make it through the long days and nights alone. Thankfully, I didn’t feel horrible and I knew that I was going to be okay. I am vaccinated and boosted and I take good care of myself. I am so grateful that I didn’t suffer the way so many have suffered from this illness. While I can laugh at parts of my own story, I take this virus very seriously and feel a responsibility to do what I can to minimize the exposure of others. This includes wearing my mask, washing my hands, and now that I am postive, isolating.
The days that followed brought new physical symptoms, all mild, but enough to make me feel lousy at times. I felt well enough during the day to see most of my clients virtually and beyond that, I prioritized my own care. I meditate everyday and the word “surrender” kept coming up. Could I just let go and be with this? Yes, yes I could. It seems that for the last several years I have been preparing for times like these. This was once again a reminder that what you practice is what you become good at.
What I practiced
At the beginning of this year I declared that I wanted to read more. I’ve been doing that and I love it! Over the course of the last week, I read Pride & Prejudice, a book that I have always wanted to read. I cannot remember the last time I read for hours without the pressure of having to go to the store or make a meal or pick someone up from somewhere. It was bitterly cold outside and here I was snuggled under a blanket in my cozy bed reading for enjoyment.
On day two I watched a webinar hosted by my friend Julie Geeting at PALM Health called Strengthening Connections & Social Bonds . This really helped to shift my perspective. One of the highlights for me was the recognition of the difference between isolation and solitude. It was in that moment that I stopped telling myself that I was isolated here in my bedroom. I was in solitude, yes, but it was a good reminder that even when alone, I am deeply connected.
On day 3 and everyday since I rolled out my yoga mat and did some light stretches and meditation. I am a very active person and all this resting has made my body stiff and sore. Getting grounded in my body with movement and breath helps me to remember and know that I am strong and healthy. This is probably my biggest resource in managing my anxious thoughts.
I have played more guitar in the last week than I have in a long while. It feels good and it feeds that creative part of me that longs for more time and space to be an artist. My voice isn’t up to the task of singing and so I am taking this time to play and try new things.
These things I know
So today marks day 6 of my solitude and I am feeling much better. I still have lingering congestion, a little cough, and I feel more fatigued than usual, but I am okay. My anxiety has reared it’s ugly head at times and, thankfully, I have a lot of tools to navigate it. Reading, yoga, meditation, and playing guitar have occupied most of my time that I haven’t been working. I miss Josh and our kids. And yet, I know they are here with me always, even when I can’t hug, kiss, or be close to them.
I haven’t wanted for anything over this last week. Josh has been so attentive and loving. He has done every single thing I need and more. Everyday of the almost 6 years we have been together I have reflected on how lucky we both are to have found each other. We have our difficult moments sometimes, everyone does. And during this time spent alone I have made a pact with myself that I never want to take my time with him for granted. This forced slow down has highlighted for me all that I have to appreciate and everything for which I am grateful. As Ferris Bueller said so brilliantly, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.”
When things are hard there is an opportunity for growth. It’s uncomfortable, yes, but it also feels really good. Both things can be true. Sometimes I struggle with allowing for both of those truths. I want there to be a “right” answer or an antedote that makes everything better. What I keep realizing again and again is that sitting in the discomfort and letting go of expectations and control is the path to freedom.
This affirmation from Louise Hay really sums it up for me.
“All is well in my world. Everything is working out for my highest good. Out of this situation only good will come. I am safe!”
In order to really believe these words, one has to let go.
What I take with me
My time in solitude has taught me something important. This is something that I keep learning again and again. Simply put, I have time for what I make time for. I found myself thinking this morning that I don’t want to stop enjoying time under the covers getting lost in a good book or playing my guitar regularly when I am no longer confined to my room. My yoga and meditation practice is solid because these are things I have prioritized every day. Reading and music are important to me, but have felt like indulgences, not non negotiables. But they don’t have to be.
I don’t have to wait until illness forces me to rest, slow down, and examine my priorities. Neither do you. So, my intention is to continue to value a little more time in solitude each day to prioritize these things that have kept me so nourished in mind and body throughout these last many days. It doesn’t take a lot of time each day, but it does take intention, commitment, and action.
Don’t get me wrong, I long for the freedom to move about my home without a mask, feeling energized enough to take a brisk long walk, getting my full vocal range back, and giving hugs and kisses freely to the ones I love the most. And I am also going to take with me the important lessons from my solitude so that I can be better as I do all the things I love with the people I love.
Learn More
On Being In Practice
I’ve been talking a lot with clients lately on what it means to be “in practice”. There seems to be a disconnect in what we tell ourselves about practicing something that implies that at some point we become the expert. And that in this expert state we no longer need to practice. This isn’t true. While we get better and may even achieve “expert status”, we still have to keep up with our skills. After all, if we don’t use them, we lose them.
Most of us accept this truth when it comes to learning a new skill like playing an instrument. Obviously we need to study and practice in order to learn. And once we learn to play the instrument we need to continue playing it from time to time in order to maintain our skill. If we want to continue to get better, we need to practice even more. Why then is it so hard to accept this about things we do to improve our overall well-being? We make excuses like I’m not good at this or I don’t have time or I tried that once and it didn’t work or it made me uncomfortable. This is something worth exploring if we want to understand ourselves and effect lasting change.
Let go of perfection
The judgement and criticism that we subject ourselves to is the first thing we need to address. No one gets better at anything or even tries to step outside their comfort zone if they they doubt their own worthiness for success. That voice inside your head that questions your ability or your worth? It has to be identified and redirected. In a shame cycle, you aren’t very useful to yourself. Take the instrument metaphor. If you expect, right out of the gate, to be an excellent guitar player and this is the first time you are holding a guitar, you will be very disappointed. You might even give up before you really get started. We have to meet ourselves where we are and give grace to our inadequacies and imperfections. This comes from awareness and acceptance.
When I am talking with my clients about being in practice with mediation, yoga, getting into their body or eating healthy food, I am always encouraging them to develop a practice even when they are feeling good. I do this because these things aren’t bandaids only to be used for acute care when life is turned upside down or we are feeling anxious. By practicing, we are engaging in prevention and cultivating a lifestyle. We also increase our chances of reaching for a healthy tool rather than spiraling when we are overcome by stress, anxiety, or depression.
Pay attention
The excuse of time is a big one. Have you ever made a log of everything you do in one day? From the time you wake up to the time you fall asleep, there are so many hours. How are you spending them? How you spend your time is what you are practicing. And what you practice, you become good at. For example, if you are spending your time scrolling through social media, you will be really good at that. If you are spending your time cleaning and organizing your home, you will have a very clean and organized home. Heres the truth – if you really want to do something, you will find the time. It is about prioritizing and commitment.
Sometimes it is hard to commit and prioritize the things that we know will benefit ourselves first and foremost. What I mean by that is we are often more willing to do for others what we don’t do for ourselves. This is something that we have been conditioned to do by our upbringing and societal pressure, but it doesn’t make it right or healthy. When you prioritize yourself you give others permission to do the same. You also learn to look within yourself for what you need instead of relying on outside sources. In short, you learn to fill your own cup. When your cup is full you have more to give.
Yeah, I did that once
So, you tried to meditate once before and had trouble sitting still? Or you went to a yoga class and felt judged by the lady next to you and you never went back? We have all had experiences like these that left us feeling less than or we didn’t get the outcome we wanted. There’s that pesky perfectionism again. Just because you did something once and you didn’t like it or it didn’t work out the way you wanted is not a reason to throw in the towel. Adjust your expectations. Take a smaller bite. Try meditating for 3 minutes instead of 30. Try a different yoga studio with a different vibe.
Letting go of your attachment to a particular outcome or the way something “should” look will help you to be more mindful. Being mindful means to be attentive and aware to what is happening within and around you. Sitting with that reality and knowing that right now is not forever. This feels this way right now, today. Maybe tomorrow it will feel different.
Growing pains
In my late twenties I borrowed a Jillian Michaels exercise video from my mom. I know, laugh if you want – it’s pretty funny. She was all the rage in the fitness world and I was out of shape after having my first baby. I refused to go to the gym because I didn’t like being around other people who I was certain were looking at me with their judgmental eyes. Looking back I can see that I was deep in a cycle of unworthiness, comparison, and self-judgement. That is a blog post for another day.
Anyway, in the video (which was really hard by the way), she said “get comfortable with being uncomfortable”. She was encouraging all of us who were working out at home to not quit just because we felt some discomfort. It worked for me. She wasn’t saying to push through pain and injury, but she was saying that your brain wants to quit long before your body. That resonated with me and it still does.
I am much gentler with my exercise approach now and that has served me well over the years, but I still hear her voice sometimes in my head. Even during meditation sometimes, especially then, because everything is still and quiet, my brain wants to quit. I want to get out of the discomfort and avoid sitting in it. I want to lean into the distractions and the to-do list. Anything that keeps me from paying close attention to stillness or my breath or my body. Anything that helps me avoid sitting with the discomfort of the moment. But it is in the practice of staying and being with these moments of discomfort that I have experienced my biggest growth. It is not a failure that I had to keep redirecting my thoughts to my breath or to a part on my body over and over again. It means I am doing it. That is the practice.
Practice makes progress
Remember that your practice is your own. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to look like mine. You don’t need anything special to get started and there is never a “right” time to take the plunge. You have to find the balance between commitment and flexibility. Balance the ease and the effort. This takes trust and being in practice toward your goals will help you feel accomplished and hopeful. In this hopeful state you will be better prepared to take on the uncertainties of life. Why? Because you are well practiced.
<3 Stephanie
Learn More